Best Friends Club

[Oaktree]

I love your answers @Jynx @MDT 

It makes me think about my own boundaries. I tend to have co-dependent relationships. I need to not be so needy

[Jynx]

@Oaktree co-dependency is so tricky!! I totally feel you, my attachment wound (anxious attached) really makes for a perfect co-dependency storm in my relationships if I'm not careful. 

I do just wanna offer some thoughts and a little reframe around the idea of being 'needy'. You can take on as much or as little as you like! 

Basically in my mind, the stigmatisation of the human need to rely on other humans is one of the most toxic social norms we have. Human beings have needs, we're meant to be needy. There's this pervasive idea that we're supposed to be able to cope, function, juggle it all, and never ever need to rely on anyone else, because to do so is weak. But in actuality, our collaboration is what has helped us to thrive as a species. Our connections to others, our reliance on others, being needy - it's our strength. 

Obviously in this context, there's concern with becoming over-reliant on others and becoming enmeshed in the relationship in an unhealthy way. But to me, the resolution to this is not becoming less needy, but in working out which of your needs are unmet, which ones you can meet for yourself, and which ones you need met by others. For me, part of this process was to build up a stronger sense of internal strength - being able to reassure myself that if someone leaves me, abandons me, or rejects me, I will be okay. But also ensuring I didn't go too far in the other direction - because fierce independence can be a trauma response too. 

So maybe you could reframe it from "I need to not be so needy" to something like "I want to work on finding my balance between independence and reliance on others, so that I can ensure my social needs will be met without becoming co-dependent or enmeshed."

Anyway, Jynx ramble over!! Like I said, this is just food for thought and perhaps none of this is new to you, or perhaps it doesn't resonate, so take it with a grain of salt! Buuuut perhaps it is also a helpful reminder. Anyway, big love!💜

[Oaktree]

Thanks @Jynx 

I think I do get enmeshed. I also have anxious attachment. My mother rejected me. I was like “well if my own Mother doesn’t love me then I must be unlovable”

I have come to realise that it is more about her than me. However, I do hold on too tight for fear of being rejected again. I know I need to work through some stuff. I am going to contact my NDIS LAC tomorrow and get some names for psychology 

[Shaz51]

Very true @Jynx 

I was single for a long time before getting married 

Might sound strange but sometimes my indepent self will voice up about being dependent on someone 🤔 

[Shaz51]

Sending you understanding hugs my friend @Oaktree 

I have the fear of rejection too as I was continually rejected by my dad 

Even though sometimes I may have that feeling arises I know I will be OK on my own 

@Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Oaktree yeah that's bound to have a hugely lasting impact on your sense of self! I also had the 'unlovable' schema (I don't think that's what it's called but that's the word that made me cry in my psych appt lol) and it can be so hard to detangle ourselves from that attachment wound hey. I am really glad to hear that there is recognition of how this is impacting you, that you're able to separate yourself from her actions, and that there is motivation for change! Taking that step towards healing is worthy of recognition. Go you 😁✊💜

@Shaz51 doesn't sound strange at all, but maybe that's cos I'm all about IFS haha (basically the idea that our internal world is not a unified whole, but a bunch of different 'parts', like our protector or our wounded inner child for example, and sometimes those parts can be in conflict). 

And yeah I think you nailed it, and also touching on something I think is important to know during recovery - realising that it's not that I no longer get triggered, I'm just way better at managing them, because I am able to reassure myself that I will be okay on my own! My anxious attachment wound still gets triggered all the time, the difference is that now I am better at managing it. Legit just the other day my partner and I had a miscommunication over text, which I didn't think was a big deal but they seemed a bit upset. Then at one point they needed to go so they said, "I'd like for us to talk about this conversation later." Nek minnit my brain is SPIRALLING like 'oh god I've upset them I said something wrong, what do they wanna talk about, is this it, did I cross too many boundaries and now they're gonna leave...'

Thankfully I was able to recognise it for what it was, and didn't do what I would have done once upon a time - freak out, call them and demand to know what I did wrong, spend the next 5 hours in a panic whilst checking  my messages every 10 seconds, try to immediately guess what I did wrong and make it all worse by trying to fix it... Haha instead I just sat with my anxiety for a bit then got on with it all. Yay growth!

(And also fun fact, my partner never actually brought it up again... so it's all fine! And in fact if I HAD listened to the ickle wounded Jynx's panic, I may have ended up making the situation much, much worse... just like I used to haha)

Anyway, after all that rambling it's nearly time for me to head off! Thanks for the stimulating discussion tonight friends, always nice to know just how much we're all birds of a feather here, all in it together 💜 Rest well my lovelies!

[Oaktree]

Hugs @Jynx 

we certainly are birds of a feather. Good job not making things worse with your partner. That was quite an achievement!

[Patches59]

I’m similar @Shaz51   I was single for long time before becoming partnered.  
we were together for about 9 years, married for just under 5 of those years, before he passed away.

Between caring for my mum plus fear of abandonment I never met anyone prior to my hubby I felt ok about making the big commitment.  

looking back I was, and once again am, independent and self reliant (maybe a bit too much self reliant).  During the years we were a couple I know I became quite dependant and it took a long time after my hubby passed away for me to regain the feeling of being comfortable with being independant.

I do enjoy company of others and miss having a human to talk to some times.  Love being on my own by now.  Being able to do what I want, when I want etc.  during last couple of years I’ve grown to, once again, being comfortable having pets as my constant companions

[Healandlove]

@Patches59 @Oaktree @Jynx @Shaz51 

I am so glad to read all of your comments on rejection and codependency.

I am working through my own feelings of rejection from my older sister.  In fact, part of the EMDR therapy I am undertaking is to help me process this. My sister has her own trauma to work on but as a result of her trauma and personality she rejected me over the years. We talk but it is a very distant and superficial relationship. 

When I saw a trauma counsellor around my husband's change (he hadn't been diagnosed with cptsd yet at the time) she said that I had to be careful because it looked like I was in a codependent relationship. 

Our couple psychologist then told me that was very unhelpful as all relationships are codependent in a way. As @Jynx pointed out we are wired to rely on others. 

I always considered myself an independent and mature for my age person. I enjoy my own company but need meaningful connections in my life. I now understand there is nothing wrong with that. My current therapist with whom I am going EMDR has helped me learn a lot about myself. 

I do have to work on my anxiety though and as @Jynx I would also want conflict resolution straight away when my husband needs time to regulate. 

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.  I can understand myself better through your stories. And I think you are all strong and fantastic humans. Sending you 🫂 hugs. 

[Shaz51]

Hugs my best friends @Healandlove , @Oaktree , @Patches59 , @Jynx ❤️