Battles

[Jynx]

@Dreamy I know it's all really scary but we're right here with you ok?

I'm gonna touch base super briefly via email - keep an eye out. 

Hmm it sounds like part of you blames yourself? I might be wrong, but in any case, being hard on yourself might feel like it's needed or deserved, but it's not gonna change your circumstances or make em any easier to deal with.

Reckon you got some tiny ounce of self-compassion in you, that you could show yourself? Either in some kind words out loud to reassure yourself, or doing something nice and kind for your body for example? 

[Dreamy]

@Jynx ok. 

I blame myself for everything, it really is all my fault. If I wasn't so messed up then maybe things wouldn't be like this. 

I don't have anything in me to be kind to myself right now. Certainly don't have anything nice to say to myself, there's so much hatred and anger towards myself. 

[rav3n]

@Dreamy it can be hard not to beat ourselves up when things go to shit, but please don't forget that you are only human!! you are allowed to have bad days, it doesn't make you less. going through struggles doesn't mean you're not worthy. you are always worthy, simply because you exist. 

and like the post you made on the toolshed thread, 'you're not "bad at life", it's genuinely difficult," you definitely deserve more credit than you give yourself!! 

[Jynx]

That's okay @Dreamy that's when it's the community's turn! 

I will gladly tell you that you cannot poosibly be held personally responsible for the lack of services, the trappings of the broken system, the gaps in policy, or the predatory few who continue to leech resources from the rest of humanity resulting in mass inequality and an ongoing global mental health crisis. I think you're okay to not shoulder those. 

Yes, you made choices to get where you are. You can easily say that this means your suffering is your own fault. But if you're given only the choice of burning or freezing, can you really blame yourself for being in pain as a result? 

You are someone who deserves the UTMOST kindness, because that's ALL I've ever seen you putting out into the world. 

[Dreamy]

@rav3n but lately everyday is a bad day. Like when do I get to be happy, when do I get to feel anything other than pain, fear and sadness?

Thankyou for the kind words, I really do appreciate it. I just can't believe it or see it right now. 

[Dreamy]

@Jynx thankyou ❤️. 

Deep down there's some part of me that knows I don't deserve this but there's that big, huge part that blames myself for everything and that overrides anything else. 

I only ever show kindness to others even when it's not shown to me by them. Guess that's also why I've been and continue to get hurt so much. 

[rav3n]

totally hear that, it's so hard when it feels like the bad days are never-ending and i think when you're living those hard parts - it's difficult to step out and see the progress you've made. @Dreamy but you have made a lot of progress, and maybe it might take a bit longer for you to see it yourself and appreciate it. but until you can see it and believe it for yourself, we're here to remind you. we see it and we're not giving up on you. 

good days will come, and i'm so sorry it's not here sooner. but we'll be sitting with you on the good and bad days still. 

[Jynx]

@Dreamy maybe you could chat to that huge, overriding part, and ask what it hopes to gain by blaming you?

To stay kind in the face of horror is the truest test of strength imo

[Dreamy]

@rav3n thankyou ❤️.

@Jynx starting to dissociate a bit which is scary cos I'm not aware of what's happened in those moments in between. 

[Dreamy]

@Jynx that part that overrides everything doesn't want me to exist, it wants me to crumble and to give up. That's the part that tells me I'm a mistake, that everyone hates me and that noone would care if I wasn't here. I've tried for years to accept that part of me but to work with it in order to not allow it to control my life and my actions but I've been unsuccessful in doing so.