@Carlachris funnily enough the tree removal (horribly spikey weeds, not proper trees) went very well. They met his expectations; could have knocked me down with a feather. It's ok though, because he woke me up just before dawn pushing another barrow of displeasure about something else.
The thing about their control of us, well with my guy anyway, is that he has no idea he's doing it. It is my constant desire to short circuit any conflict that brings about modification of my own behaviour, not any real demand of his. We both know that when he's in full flight and telling me "you must" or "you can't" he doesn't really mean it; often can't even remember saying it. Its me that needs to filter his demands through this lens instead of readily piling them on board.
A couple of weeks ago we were getting ready to do the thing and I caught the cat and put it in a box. "What are you doing?" he asked.
Last time the cat scratched at the door and put him off his game so my instruction was that I had to catch the cat, put it in a box, and put the box in a room at the other end of the house each time in preparation. He had me in tears asking forgiveness for not thinking far enough ahead, and promising to make sure that was attended to each time, then the first time I started doing it he couldn't believe I'd taken him seriously.
That is me overthinking and taking it all at face value instead of analysing the mood in which the instruction was given. I'm getting better at ignoring the ridiculous, but when I've got no clothes on I always feel a bit more susceptable.
Also, I have read up a lot about what he has, but he hasn't researched anything so I'm gradually educating him. You and I have discussed their sex drive before. Mr S had no idea that his voracious appetite was a symptom. Once I sat him down and explained that, he has accepted that I can't keep up with his needs instead of thinking I don't love him any more if I miss a day.
I honestly don't think I'd mind if he went elsewhere sometimes, but he'd have to leave the house for that :). He stays up late watching cam girls and I have no problem with that. I only find it degrading if he's doing it on his phone when I'm in the bed trying to get to sleep and he hasn't done that in a long time. It is interesting how ashamed of himself (and therefore angry with me) he is the odd couple of times I've accidentally caught him - I've told him I get it, I know why he needs to and I don't have a problem - but perhaps the "guilty secret" is part of the buzz?
He's never jealous, thank goodness, but he is very judgemental (when manic) about the way I do things - or don't do things - which is not his normal personality. I am truly sorry that the physical side of your relationship is still a big barrier for you - I get it though. Maybe one day when all is back on track you will overcome that trauma. Now I don't have to do every day its gotten a lot easier for me, but I still fight the rising panic that if something goes even a tiny bit wrong it could lead to hours of conflict.
So my trauma response to the hypersexuality is different from yours. I am traumatised from having to fake it night after night to keep the peace - in my head using the R word, but knowing it can't really be that because I haven't said no. Given that I feel I have been violated many times over keeping up with him, I would have been thrilled if he played away and gave me a rest... now that we have an acceptable boundary (and i do make it well worth his while if I get a few days off in between) its not so unpleasant for me if I can stop overthinking all the possible ways it could go wrong. He is also working on not losing it if something does go wrong (like the cat scratching on the door) and is getting better at that.
He's pretty good right now, all things considered.
Your observations about MI are spot on. We let ourselves get bullied because sometimes it's just easier than staying strong when we're tired and it has been a sustained attack.
Enjoy your down time for as long as you can.
xoxo
