Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

[Carlachris]

@SJT63 it's so hard when we come so close to the brink. I think that's what most people DONT UNDERSTAND. We walk out they have nothing and we loose everything.  I'm still not prepared to abandon him to the broken system especially during a pandemic. So like you I return for more.

Hopefully we have reach some point of crisis acknowledgement from those professionals trained to support us. We have an appointment tomorrow which is a small miracle as his GP usually takes 2-3 wks to get to see. I have actually booked 3 in advance. Standing our ground with clear cut boundaries and not engaging with the rage another word for his paranoia in our case has been my only safety till now and has worn thin. This latest crisis is about his mother dying. I knew it was coming. I know what to do. But I need help. I am not his shrink....he doesn't have one. But as of Tomorrow that all changes. Crossy fingers. 
Your Mr admitting he has a small problem controlling his sex drive is a start......it made me laugh to think he said a "little bit higher"....oh the denial runs deep with MI. Be careful honey hold tight to the bank account. I was clueless and $7000 has gone missing and I have traced it to online $359.99 payments some porn site and $280 payments to brothels over 6months......I still can't fathom it. They hide the payments in other names. Ashliegh Maddison payments are concealed in the letters AMDA,  brothels use Trades service invoices and payments to wish charities. WOW what a learning curve. This one has taken my breath away. 
Mine has taken his pills for 3 days now and if he ever stops I'm out, I'm done. 
that's was me to a T......tantrums over lost glasses,wallet,watch,phone, broken things having to be replaced immediately due to his blatant disrespect or ability to look after anything. I stopped being that slave a yr ago. Basically his shit he breaks stuff he deals with it. Something to do with being raised in a wealthy family. No respect for anything because there will always be more. I grew up watching every cent and op shopping. We didn't have much but we were fine.

Thankyou for your kindness. I'm a simple person. I like the small things in life. I see things as straightforward to me it's easier. I can't be anything other than true to myself. I can't pretend to be someone else. I'm just little old me. I'm so glad that resonates with you. Your words have also encouraged me and made me feel less out on a limb. We at times walk the same path dear friend.  
Doesn't mean we allow ourselves to continually be abused. I'm learning that and I have asked for help. Here's hoping but my husband has to do "THE WORK" to get back within healthy boundaries and we can live again. That's the dream for us. 
We can't give up......because we love them. True dinx .

🌷🤞🌷

[Carlachris]

Got him to the GP got him back on meds. Included in consults and have access to his bank account. Day by day. I have no idea where we will end up but it's a start. 
now comes the suffocating me every minute of the day with his sorrow, regret, boredom and insecurity. 
GP again today. 
exhaustion takes it's toll on me until he starts to hold himself up and take responsibility which he still hasn't accepted. Not just for his mental illness but for the devastation and betrayal it has caused.

Thankyou friends for again helping and listening to my distress and support.

@SJT63 

It's over ....................2nd Doctors appointment he resisted every attempt to get help. 
He was then verbally abusive to me for half an hour. I did not respond. I left as I felt unsafe. He text me to return as he had  left the house .........he has now fled with the dog. 
I have no more to give. I give up. I give in. MI wins.
I have lost my beautiful man. I can't do it anymore. 

[SJT63]

@Carlachris 

holding back the tears - I'm at work - no time for a proper reply now but will write later

xoxoxoxoxo

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Carlachris .....rest, breathe, self-care ..... you matter, and you are enough.  

He is 'programmed' to behave the way he is, and your beautiful man is only one side of him.  Like a carousel it will keep going around and around and you will only have glimpses of the side of him that you would really like to stay all the time.  Unfortunately they come as a package deal.

Hugs and hugs Hon.  Gently, gently.  You will have a lot of healing to do.

💜💐💜💐💜💐💜

[Carlachris]

@SJT63  @Faith-and-Hope I've got him. Only took 6 police officers 4 paramedics and the Cat team chase across Victoria during a pandemic playing 36 hrs of Russiann Roulette Jenga and spot the triage nurse and  driving 68 km to get him there because the paramedics weren't allowed as the hospital was on bypass .....but he is safe in the hands of professionals at a phsych unit. Had to play the duty of care card at the unit who were messing about with a formality co vid issue but as we speak he is being assessed and helped. I bogged our car in the wet darkness of the stupid unlit hospital grounds locked it and walked away will deal with it tomorrow. He in the end was willing to go. 
why don't families matter? Do they want us to throw our dearest on the streets and have breakdowns ourselves. Why so useless a system with sistemic faults and loop holes. Why? 
The long haul still in play.
For now I sleep With our unharmed and confused dog Kess the Kelpie returned safe home beside me on the floor after one hell of a joy ride. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Carlachris .....

[SJT63]

@Carlachris 

oh god oh god oh god what a thing to go through

how you found the strength and determination is a miracle and i love you so much for doing that agonizingly paintful act of kindness for your husband... wow

mine has been at the point of needing the cat team twice in the three years I've known him but I've never had the courage.... and I would need his 81 year old mum to be the one to initiate it. She has been willing but we've always given it "another week" and things have settled. Mr S always takes his meds and sees his doctors.

I'm not his wife. He's not even supposed to be living here, he'd lose his pension and I can't afford his medical bills on my salary alone and no pension card. He came to stay when we first locked down in Feb 2020 and hasn't been home. Now can't go home because of something that happened at his place in his absence. That being said, if I ever need the police to just get him out of my house I'd have more traction. His dad thinks I should have done that last year.

so you remain my rock and my inspiration

I wish I could hug you.. .and cook you a meal and clean your bathroom while you slept.

it will be a long road, but prayers for you both that he can be stabilised and convinced that he needs help.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Carlachris]

@SJT63 i just couldn't give up. The system nearly gave up. What could I do but keep going. It wasn't a choice. but when the system after getting him triaged and locked behind a door wanted to hand him back to me to take to the ED dept for a diabetes test the Ambos an hour before had already cleared him as no ED needs. I lost......I LOST MY S*#T.......... my girlfriend who was with me for support nearly lost it as well. I threw my Duty of Care STRAIGHT AT THE HEAD NURSE BETWEEN THE EYES. I'm a pacifist but I lost it. Fu*k the SYSTEM.
he has been signed in and is now on 3 new meds and a treatment plan. He's terrified but that's largely the MI. Who wouldn't be. 
When I get really angry once in a blue moon the redhead comes out and take me seriously or suffer the consequences. It was time. 
Exactly what I needed a hug, cooked meal and bathroom cleaned you must have been reading my mind. Thankyou. Hug back at cha. 🌸🌷🌸
 

[SJT63]

@Carlachris 

sorry I've been awol for a bit, himself has been a bit of a handful but back on track now.

I have thought of you most days, but last week I was working from home so it was a bit difficult to write, no privacy.

The weekend before last we made our annual trip up to visit his elderly father. The trip itself was postponed a month because of a snap weekend lockdown so we weren't there on the the old bloke's actual birthday. Cause for much anxiety as my autistic Mr has a lot of trouble coming to terms with not celebrating a birthday on the correct day.

Then I couldn't book the place I normally take them to. We don't stay with dad, too many of us and Mr S needs to be able to toke somewhere private. Our regular place is now off airbnb and it's replacement was 3 times the price. I have to book somewhere very private for many reasons.

He was very antsy as the trip approached and lost it a couple of times in the car when we stopped for loo breaks because we parked in the wrong parking spot. Anway I got NO sleep as he kept me awake all night ranting about the inadequacies of our $300/night 5 bedroom house with a pool on absolute waterfront.

• lights too bright
• power points in the wrong place
• microwave too hard to use
• light switches in the wrong place
• house too big
• ensuite too big
• badly designed rooms (he used to be an architect)
• ceiling fan too slow
• aircon too hard to work out
• no light in fridge

and few more other stupid stupid trivial things that he managed to get completely worked up over. I asked him if he'd packed his "going out" clothes, he said yes, but he hadn't so I had to wash and dry his "staying home" clothes each night so he was clean going to see dad.

The piece de resistance came when a guy came to mow the lawns about and hour and half before checkout time. Suddenly there were strangers making a lot of noise right outside the window. I thought that was pretty poor form actually, but if I'd known they were coming I would have herded my cats into the car a little sooner.

but wait

there's more

a stone flew up from the the mower and completely shattered a window. The only reason Mr S and the hapless mower man didn't end up with fistycuffs was because I sandwiched myself between them.

He was seething for the entire 5 hours it took us to get home - by which time we were locked down again and I had to keep the boys with me as well for the week - trying to work from home on a 12 year old pc because they needed the good ones for school work.

They went back to mum's after tea last night, but it's ok, they're back at mine for dinner again tonight because Monday is one of their regular nights at mine... they are on the spectrum too... can you tell? The last time I didn't feed his children (16 & 18 yo boys) was 12 days ago. Mostly I love cooking, but I am getting a bit fed up this week. None of the like the same sort of food, so I alternate knowing there will be one person at the table who decides they're "not hungry" and binges on snacks about 10pm.

Himself has been fine since we got back. I think that next year I will send them on their own.

I read your post on one of the other threads- about the animals staying close to you and Mr C being in hospital. Think of it as respite for yourself. Pretend you're on holidays. Sit in the bath drinking wine, go to the cinema (if you live somewhere that you can) because seeing a film on your own is very liberating. Eat what you like without having to please other people's taste.... read uninterrupted, listen to your music, watch a tv series that appeals to you... 

Sorry I can't clean your bathroom for you, but I did get to mine while in lockdown.

Much love, S x

[Carlachris]

@SJT63 
so much of what you have said I have been through as well. On repeat endlessly. The sensitivities the hyper vigilance the paranoia ...the Spectrum. It's all so exhausting living in survival mode. I'm so worn from everything.
I'm ready to walk away.  My hubby is now in a locked Ward and getting help but my task now is to straighten out the destruction left of our lives. The shear exhaustion that is Mental Illness is winning and as frightened as I am and now alone. I still hope. But there's not much. I can't do much but sleep. I managed to get an hour to myself today walked the dog with my mobility scooter and got a salad roll. The little things matter these days. 
Then returned home to a sh*t storm of texts phone calls and it's on again. All I can say is no improvement from him yet after 12 days. Maybe tomorrow. Gosh I wish I could visit my son and see my little grand daughter. She is only 11 mths and took her first few steps yesterday. Best medicine but restrictions are keeping me from her. I've never felt more alone in my entire life. 
I hope but maybe that's not going to be enough. I'm a bit lost. I don't know how to do this.
My husband has been taken and I'm an outsider. The one responsible for bringing him clean clothes and his fave foods.....I'm reduced to nearly nothing. The love bombing from him is so intense I've had to block him on my phone. Breaks my heart to think it might all be for nothing. It's been a rough day. I'm sorry my friend sounds like you have had a few rough days lately as well. I'm glad you got the bathroom clean mines still to be done maybe tomorrow nay be not. Hugs.