Hi @hiddenite 

I've not yet had a chance to introduce myself **opening arms to give you a welcoming hug (if you accept)**

I just read over this discussion this discussion thread, you've been through so much, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. The horrible thing about abuse is that it not just physical. The psychological abuse can leave scars, which can take time to heal. People can often internalise violent dialogue that abusers tell them - It can become your own internal dialogue, which can lead you to second guess and be critical of yourself. Though this dialogue are only thoughts, they can feel immensly real. But as you have pointed out before earlier in this conversation, they are just thoughts. Every time you can not act upon them, every time you become aware of them,  that is a huge gain in battling the horrible internal dialogue. It's a step in the direction of being kind to yourself - something that probably feels very foreign for you right now, as it seems like kindness has been sparse for quite sometime being so isolated and in an abusive relationship. It doesn't help that your parents say rotten things to you. I'm glad that you've come here. When people in your life can't give you kindness or support, seek it from people who can provide it, which I hope members on  this Forums can do (looks they have so far!). You deserve support and kindness becaues despite what you think and tell yourself, you are worthy of it.  

It's terrible that you've not been able to find help from health professionals. I'm saddened to hear this because you've tried. While it can seem like you can't do anything, you've been so resourceful and proactive coming on here and talking about what you're going through. As @Chris pointed out and many others in this discussion have pointed out. It's not your fault, and it doesn't mean that you are helpless, but perhaps you have not found the right help yet. It can be like a jigsaw puzzle finding the right piece that fits and works. 

Have you heard from the CAT Team yet? Let us know how it goes...

Stay safe @hiddenite , we're here for you.