@CheerBear I can't see your picture yet, but I have a feeling it will make me smile.

@Former-Member I feel so super super super icky. My GP has no ideas at all about finding a new psychologist. She really did try super hard to help me last year, but she ended up as stuck as me. She discovered that even with her power of being a GP, psychologists kept saying "no, too complex" to her. Right now, the only actual helpful people in my world are her and everyone here in Forum Land. 

I feel so totally confused about (A) and so very very VERY icky about how much this situation is replicating that past situation. I need to get into stable employment. If I could get off the DSP, I would be free of the sense of needing a psychologist in my corner. This is the main thing that keeps me with (A) - or any psychologist for that matter; the power that society bestows upon them. I know that I only got the DSP because of the report my previous psychologist (F) wrote. I know that places like centrelink have zero interest in what a counsellor or a social worker says - they only care about the opinion of a psychologist or a psychiatrist. This is precisely what kept me with (F) and it is what's now keeping me with (A). If I could be financially independent, I would be free of that particular angst.

I do know that there are people out there who get me @Former-Member. I think that is part of the despair - I know that with the right support, I could absolutely definitely move beyond my current muddle. I mean, the neurofeedback psychologist wrote that I have a more severe category of Borderline Personality Disorder, and will require treatment from a multi-disciplinary team of mental health professionals in an environment more suitable to assist her. I mean, SERIOUSLY???? My uni counsellor was able to single-handedly assist me via phone/skype from 450kms away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It terrifies me that a "professional" can make such a statement about me, when the reality is I simply need ONE COMPETENT THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am being sent mad by the system - a feeling I know you can relate to @CheerBear. 

All I damn well need is someone to help me process the trauma stuff and figure out what I can do/where I fit employment-wise. It really REALLY doesn't sound that hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can see that the fundamental issue with (A) is that she simply lacks empathy. She simply cannot see how the things she says and does cause so much distress in the context of my muddle. I mean, the other day, when I tried to get support from her after I found out CherryBomb was leaving, she only had five minutes to talk to me. I was SO distressed...and yet she said that she thought I'd be grateful she had found five minutes for me. In her brain, she was doing me a huge favour by finding five minutes to call me. It simply did not enter her head how worthless I would feel hearing her say that. It did not enter her head that I would feel like I should be grateful for any scrap of human contact that someone was willing to throw my way. Nor did it enter her head that five minutes may possibly not be sufficient time for someone with BPD to move through the giant feelings and into a space where rational thought and coping strategies might happen. 

But then here's the thing, once we go through a storm like today, (A) is willing to make changes. So, for example, we have now agreed that she will only call if she can allow at least 15 minutes on the phone. You see? This is part of what keeps me with her. There is a lot of stuff that I DO like about her and that IS working...but only after we go through these awful and damaging storms. For example, I super like the fact that she got over her no-touching policy and will now rest her hand on my back when I snuggle on the couch. That is super calming and super helpful. So...it's like...there is a LOT that is unhealthy in this relationship, but at the same time, it feels safer to stay than to try again. And this is my despair and my hopelessness. Staying is the better of two very bad options...and thus the thoughts of suicide creep in.

Well THAT all got really long didn't it. Thank you to anyone who is still reading. @Former-Member who will be watching the ocean tonight? The missing-CherryBomb feelings are getting bigger as the day wears on because the evenings are when she would appear. I am super missing her and I'm also struggling with the sense of the Universe being out of alignment because I don't know who will be around tonight. I really really don't do change!

Thank you for being you @Former-Member. This morning when I was super chaotic and super regressed, I may possibly have suggested to (A) that she should call Rockpool and ask her how to do the empathy thing.

Super big thank you for riding the waves with me.