Dear @kenny66 

I'm glad you felt able to join up, well done.

Small steps when you feel ready Kenny. I know this from my own journey. Respect that hesitancy within, don't force it further than you feel ready. To push it too hard can be re-traumatising. We've had enough trauma and need to be as gentle with this painful process as possible. I haven't been in a space to write on the pandys forum yet either. In some ways it's so big it is hard to know where to begin. I looked at writing a letter to my (now dead) step-father on it, or even to my real father (who just doesn't "get it" at all). But I'm not ready yet either - it has taken me nearly 12 months from deciding to go to ECASA for counselling to actually being able to do go. So now I'm waiting for that.

I can well understand why for some the use of the word "dad" might be triggering for them. It is very sad.

I hope your psych is not pushing too much, and is listening to your reluctance. If talking about it on pandys helps I will be so pleased for you. I think it took a lot of courage trying to journal about it. I guess it is a deeply emotional thing to write about, so any wonder you and your good flatmate were distressed.

I understand what you mean about being in a mess with it. I've struggled massively in that space since 2009 when I realised I'd been abused in hospital as a child. I can honestly say that if you can be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you are with others here on the forum then there will be a way forward. I find I do need someone to work with on it though - who allows me the space to work on it as I'm able, then put it aside for awhile to process what's come up.

Sometimes it seems so horrendous that it feels like a black hole which could swallow me, but slowly that is shifting now. When I started talking to the bushfire trauma counsellor (in 2009) about it she found it really hard too. She was excellent but did not have any specialised training for abuse trauma, she felt completely out of her depth. She encouraged me then to go to ECASA then but I was nowhere near being ready for that and felt terribly rejected by her suggestion. I did continue to see her after that but it took a while for me to feel I could trust her again.

"However talking to you like this is a bit of a relief I must say." I can't find the words to tell you how heartening that is to hear. I am so glad that it has helped at all. It takes great courage to talk about, and yet it can feel so overwhelming to carry without speaking of it.

We all go through patches, and any wonder. I think it is amazing that you are able to get through and to focus on the beauty of simple gifts in the world, even when they represent both sorrow and new life. I too find these things gifts. I am happy they help you also.

Blessings on your journeying.

Kindest regards,

Kristin