@utopia It's not cruel at all - I'm really pleased that you at least know he is alive and safe. Whether you get a call or not you have at least got an answer for that fear. If you do get a call then my only advice is to let the joy of the contact seep through every part of you and hold onto that feeling. I am trying to hold onto all the joy my friendship gave me - and hopefully at times she can feel that as well. 

Don't doubt yourself - what you feel towards your friend is pure and loving - what more can anyone ask for! If that is not reciprocated then THEY have lost something special - not you 

I really am finding everything really difficult at the moment - I'm just really lost. I've gone back down the well and and can't see any light above at the moment. I am struggling with see-sawing between feeling nothing and then feeling intensely. Every single part of me seems to hurt and to stop those feelings I just shut out everything. Can't focus, can't get motivated to do anything, can't even see beyond today. I have to make a decsion about work next week and I can't even make a decision about my own life! Not sure where to go to from here!