@Healandlove oh hun, I am so deeply sorry to hear that you were shut down and dismissed by your father when you expressed your truth to him. I know how truly demoralising that can feel. It makes it that much harder to want to open up again too. 

I hear that things are REALLY hard right now, and that you're feeling quite alone in your struggles. I am especially moved by your point about how pain is transferred after suicide, and how much you want to do right by your children. I can imagine that it might feel like a lot of pressure, to be a good mum, to heal and recover for the sake of their mental health. And sometimes, feeling pressure to make progress actually makes that process that much harder. To my mind, I think that the most important thing is to keep on trying - even if you don't get to the point in your recovery that you would like, your kids will see the effort involved, see your reslience, and that in itself will impart upon them the value of perserverance in the face of difficulty and despair. Even if you're not okay, you can model to them that it's okay to not be okay, and that sometimes things are really, really crappy. But we can still hold each other close and keep trying to take steps forward. 

I promise you, that you are not burdening the forums community by being honest with us. We are here together no matter how tough things get, and you deserve to be able to lean on this community as much as you need to. If there's anything we can do to support you, let us know - and don't hesitate to reach out to the lovely counsellors on the support line too (1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm). 

Sending some big hugs your way 💜🫂