when is it time for hospital

[outlander]

Hello everyone @Shaz51@Queenie@Former-Member@Former-Member@utopia@oceangirl@Former-Member@CheerBear@Former-Member@Anony18

I cant say how thank ful I am to have you guys on here being so supportive.
I havent been in a very good headspace to really reply on here, though I have been having abit of help behind the scenes.
I am still smack bang in the middle of the storm
I seen my nurse yesterday and she took some swabs for me to see if I have an infection down stairs- lets hope not but the amount of antibiotics and stress ive been under it wouldnt surprise me
I thought id hold off on hosipital at this second but was at my last straw that If I needed to I was going.
I went to see my psychiatrsit today and she said I tappered off way to fast on medications which could be abit of the way im feeling plus the lack of family support, lossing friends, being a 'mum' when im not a mum im suppose to be a sister as well as starting out as being a carer at such a young age – this si including my nan so I was 14 then. And also the family troubles ive been having with my mother and my sisters as well as the bullies and the full on few days ive had to push through with the sick horse isnt helping me.
She said please the next time I even think about suicide to call an ambulance as the way I was speaking to her today about the way ive been feeling I may not thin next time and I might just do it and not think of anything else and just make an attempt.

She wants me to start doing things for myself as well and to take the time to just do something each day that I want to do even if I dont feel like it esp the drawing as she said that was something that was helping me and even if I dont feel like it do it any way itll give my brain something else to think about. She wants me to get my favourite books back out and start reading them again, even write recounts of eahc chapter to keep my mind occupied if thats something im into

She said that there is a place about an hour and half away from me that is a metal health retreat and she can organise for me to go there. The only problem is yet again my responsibilities here and what my sisters and mother would think if I was to go. It runs for 4 weeks and I would be an inpatient. I havent got the full details as yet as I said I need to think about it.

Tomorrow I start a new medication when I get to my gp in the morning and she has also increased to to see my gp twice a week otherwise they will be ringing in to check on me and if I dont answer theres a possibility they will send an ambulance and have me admitted involuntary

the self harm urges I was telling her about she is agreeing with me that its like an addiction and when I dont feed the addiction its pretty much into withdrawal which is why I start to have all those extra side effects that I wasnt having before.

I havent slept properly in a few days because my sisters been sick and it sets my health anxiety off. She is on antibitoics as of today as she went to the drs so hopefully that will clear up quickly

whats appeitie? I dont know what that is anymore I think im suppose to be eating yeah well nope

this is some seriously scary shite- fpr my psychiatrist to be saying that has seriously opened my eyes as to how serious my mental health is and that I seriously need some help and now before I do make an attempt.

She did say though but I seem to be taking it ok- done have much emotion anyway une=less its the health anxiety and that was she said if I dont stop self ahrming then shes failed. An she doesnt really want to do that. No pressure much.

I dont know what to do. The health retreat does sound quite nice but its 4 weeks how the heck am I going to work that out when mum works, im pops carers and ive got the horses to do. I cant leave it all to them but I need to at the same time. I know it would be the right choice if I did go but I cant go 😞

Im too scared to even ask my mother about it. Sje knows im not doing well so she says to other people and then when I say something like taking a break she gets angry at me.
This is what the argument was over last night
I know it owuldnt have been safe for me at the time but I was going to check into a chotel for a few nights to get away from everything but the way I am I dont think think thats a safe option esp now after what my psychiatrsit has said.

This is some very scary stuff!!

[outlander]

@BlueBay @Owlunar@CherryBomb  @Faith-and-Hope@NikNik  @Pepsimaxabove msg

[outlander]

Also i got accepted into the victims of crime counselling too with 20 free sessions

[Phoenix_Rising]

@outlander I am not in a good headspace at all at the moment and thus can't be much help to anyone. However, I wanted you to know that I have read your post and there is one thing that really jumped out at me. You sound really concerned about how your family will cope for a month without you if you go to the mental health retreat. The thought that crossed my mind was that if you go to the retreat, your family will have to cope for 4 weeks without you. If you suicide, they will have to cope without you forever.

[Shaz51]

Hi @outlander xx

The health retreat does sound quite nice but its 4 weeks, Mr shaz nearly went to a Health retreat for a few weeks but he said no , I can`t , I like too but I can`t

@outlander, since then I have wished he did do it , I think it would of helped him , instead of him still having lots of ups and downs

[Anony18]

@outlander - lots you have written there and thanks so much for sharing given it is very personal issues. I am glad you went to the psychiatrist and that she appears to give you some advice. Of course end of day it is up to you to try to take her advice or not. The good thing is that you recognise that you need help and you are trying to sought help. So kudos to you on that.

As for the retreat 4 weeks - I can see how torn you are between knowing that you need help and being selfish as you know that this may be the help you require but yet there is the responsibility of being a carer. It is a tough choice especially given how I know how selfless you are. Maybe write down a list of pros and cons of both if you think that may help. Even voice them out here if you think any of us can help. Sometimes we need to be selfish for ourselves because we need to get ourselves better first before we can take care of others. Whatever your decision ends up being, all of us are here to help you out and through it and support you as always. We all love and care for you a whole lot

[Shaz51]

hello @outlander

you have wriiten a lot here my friend xx

you had ----------   She wants me to start doing things for myself as well and to take the time to just do something each day that I want to do even if I dont feel like it esp the drawing as she said that was something that was helping me and even if I dont feel like it do it any way itll give my brain something else to think about. She wants me to get my favourite books back out and start reading them again, even write recounts of eahc chapter to keep my mind occupied if thats something im into

and also , starting a new meds ----  Tomorrow I start a new medication when I get to my gp in the morning and she has also increased to to see my gp twice a week otherwise they will be ringing in to check on me and if I dont answer theres a possibility they will send an ambulance and have me admitted involuntary

[CherryBomb]

That's a lot of stuff to digest. Sounds like you have challenging decision to make. While I can't tell you what option is better, what I can suggest is think foreward about the possible consequences of either going away to the retreat, or not going, and ask yourself which one you would prefer to live with in the long term.

Maybe write those thoughts down here if you want to talk through it with us?

[outlander]

aaannnd right on cue @Shaz51@Anony18@CherryBomb

i have yet another argument about my mental health

my mother thinks everytime i go to see anyone that i come back a psychopath

i asked about the hospitals and also offered her to speak to my psych and also my gp and she doesnt want anythign to do with it

shes really angry at me 😞 what did i do 😞

[outlander]

PROS AND CONS

going to the retreat

pro- get the help needed
4 weeks is a long time
no one will know me there

cons- too mnay responsibilities here
casues arguments between me and family
family is judgemental
too much responsibility left here if I go

hospital
pros- closer
prob wont stay as long

cons- too mnay responsibilites here
too much responsibility left here
casues arguments
judgemental family
too many people know me in my local area

continue now

pros- not putting responsibility on anyone else
I still go to my gp and psychiatrist and organsie a psychologist
not so judgemental of people
I can keep this hidden

cons- I have too much responsibility
I need more help
im getting into trouble off family anyway
my mother thinks im a psychopath