Lived Experience Forum

[snakechildau]

I'm in my second term of Dungeons and dragons at minds at play and i thought it was just the way i look that people don't like, but on the online games i don't show my face and people still don't like me and make fun of me. I have no friends and haven't for decades, i am now forty and i still don't know why people don't like me? What is wrong with me?

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi there @snakechildau , 

We wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forums.

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

I am sorry that you were made feel like something is wrong with you, people can be mean sometimes online, as it is an anonymous space. 

We are here with you. 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @snakechildau 

It's not you, making friends is so tough. But good on you for putting yourself out there! It's the way it can happen. The program you are part of looks very interesting. I hope that you are able to find the support you need here. Do the online games you are playing have social structures in place? I know that I play a game that is a MMO and it took me a few years of switching guilds to find one that was really welcoming and I could make new friends at. The advantage of having a bigger game is being able to switch around to you find a community that you dig. And welcome to the forums. 

[OM108]

@snakechildau 

good on you for reaching out here!

i can relate to having thought that people dont like me through no fault of my own. it has taken me years of facing that feeling within myself...to realise... that how i feel about myself i project out onto the world and the world reflects the same back to me. if i look in a mirror and scowl, the mirror image will scowl back at me and that just reinforces my feelings about myself.

SO the big question is how to break through this cycle??

i'm sure there are many ways to start, but i actually did a practice of standing in front of my bathroom mirror and smiling at myself. in the beginning it feels pretty silly of course, but it actually does seem to work. first of all, i get to practice smiling every time i go to the bathroom (smiling realises happy hormones).... plus i get to experience the "the world" smiling back at me (through me) and that becomes a powerful self regulation of my nervous system (that i can readily create for myself).

if i can reach that place of truly smiling at myself (by smiling with and through my eyes), what i receive back is internalised confirmation that i am ok and that i am loved. sounds crazy perhaps, but what about trying it for a few weeks and see how you feel (costs nothing!)....and maybe when you go out in the world, those smiling eyes of yours will see the world differently.... and the world outisde will start to see you as you truly are!

i hope that for you and...you are indeed worthy!

[Asgard]

Hi @snakechildau 

Have to admit that I know nothing about online gaming, DD etc it all seems like a different language to me.  Reading through the advice that @OM108 was giving you, and I for one am going to take it, as it seems like a really great way to start the day.  And for the record @OM108 you are a writer, love the way you craft your responses.

Anyways, they always say that talking online to new people is the worst as you have no way to judge peoples reactions to what you have written, no visual cues that help you decide if the other person is on the same wavelength as you.  You could be joking in your email, whilst the other person thinks you are being serious.

The only thing you can do is really be yourself, some people will click with you, others won't.  Try not to dwell on it and just enjoy the game.......Asgard

[Andarna]

Thank you for reaching out.

I personally have experienced exactly what you are feeling. For me I was and still am (new here) very hypocritical of myself and so confused about why I tried so hard to make friends or even to just get people to like me and want them to just give me a chance.
For me I ended up highly masking ASD and ADHD so I actually didn't understand the verbal and social ques. I often overshared or made people uncomfortable without knowing. So I understand the thoughts and feelings or rejection and social isolation with the impact on my mental health but to keep in mind, we all are still individuals (I'm not implying you might have ASD or be neurospicy).

Following is drawing from my experience and interpretation of your post, and what you many be going through to some degree.

With self criticism especially when we compare to others and having difficulties to make connections, the thoughts tend to be "punitive" and "guilt inducing" until we start to truely believe it from repetition of experiences. Then we can't seperate the beliefs from our inner monologue anymore. One technique/express is the (unhelpful parrot). We need recognise the unhelpful or distressing thought or feeling sit with it (almost like a seperate unhelpful parrot on our shoulder) and our wise adult self can acknowledge that it is unhelpful and why we are feeling it, but understand how it is unhelpful. So we can try again or keep going.
Have you heard of Schema therapy? As an route to look into with group or private therapy it is around those core beliefs. Lots of psychologist usually mix it with CBT.

Do you have social anxiety or tend to overthink? If you do still don't give up and keep trying to reach out. I was in therapy for discussing depression and anxiety and how we need to first be uncomfortable to become eventually comfortable with long term goal vs short term gratification (Neuroplasticity impacted by Behavioural Therapy - CBT).

If you don't have social anxiety keep trying different Community DnD, MTG Warhammer, online groups.
I also love DnD, and Warhammer. Only hard part is my group played it for 6-8hr sessions once almost every weekend and I couldn't commit as I was burning out with work/life/everything balance.

Apparently if you find the right group there is data evidence it can improve your mental health, as it is psychosocial connections and behavioural activation to help break the cycle of Depression.

There are some great friendly groups out there sometimes you do have to travel a bit out of your immediate community area to find the right fit.

Also ONLY IF U FEEL UP TO it does have to be right away.....
If try to a few places and you still don't feel accepted, before you go ask the person you feel closest to in the team or the dungeon master for their honest opinion.
You could say you didn't feel comfortable or welcome here but you just want to know, do you tend to do anything that makes people uncomfortable (too competitive, ridgid with rule book, awkward) or is it something you say?
Just to give you piece of mind. So you at least getting answers not wondering or "mind reading" and ruminating.

I hope this helps and sorry for the info dump. As I said you're not alone in how you feel, and there are so many people that don't know how to connect that want to.