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[creative_writer]

@Snowie it is, but my mind won’t stop today, stuck in self deprecating thoughts that are not rational

[Snowie]

Can you try some poetry at all @creative_writer 

Maybe getting it out of your head might help.

[creative_writer]

@Snowie that’s if I can get any words out. I think I’m too stupid

[Snowie]

You're not stupid @creative_writer just a bad mindset at the moment.

Give yourself time. Whatever you try to do just give it time. We can't always fix things straight away.

[Jynx]

Hey @creative_writer sorry to hear it's rough going at the moment! 

Poetry has absolutely nothing to do with 'smarts' - it's all about the feeling! Could always give it a crack and just see where you land? 

[creative_writer]

@Snowie and @Jynx I’ve been so close to doing something and I know if I do it might cause irreversible harm, I’m on the fence now, so confused about the next step forwards now. I’m safe for now. I just wanted the pain to stop. But by going ahead I also stop any joy that might occur in the future.

I do honestly believe I forgot to take one of my meds last night. Might explain why I’m migrainey and agitated

[Jynx]

@creative_writer hmm sounds tricky hun, tho curious how it would stop joy? All joy? Ever again?

I am only making guesses about what you're mulling over so forgive me if the answer should be obvious... 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx if I leave for eternity then how will I ever experience joy or achieve my dreams? It’s hard, knowing I can easily take my life right here and now (I have thought about ways), maybe a part of me wants to, but the other part of me is trying to convince me to keep going

[Jynx]

Thanks for the context @creative_writer that makes more sense (my brain was stuck on SH lol).

I think you've tapped into one of the things that kept me going once upon a time. That ending my life would end my suffering, yes.... but it would end the possibility of everything else too. And it's not like there'd be any 'me' left to 'enjoy' the lack of suffering. 

For some reason I've just been reminded of this:

Reminds me that even amongst all the bad, when I do feel joy it is the sweetest feeling, and I believe it is made even sweeter because it is being compared to those dark, hollow feelings - and it almost feels like the joy has temporarily obliterated them from my body. 

What was the last thing that brought you joy? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I experienced quite a bit of body tension and body flashbacks this week but it was settling before this outburst, I was feeling calmer, a part of me wonders whether this is emotional vomit release as I am becoming more attuned with my body. I’ve been actively engaging in self care while stressed by listening to relaxing audios on YouTube and trying to be self aware of my breath. You do need to develop self awareness and body-mind connection when going into a field such as social work.

I would say I’ve had glimpses of joy lately once I felt my nervous system settle through self-regulation.