Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

Hi Everyone,

a few weeks ago, I was contacted by an ex-boyfriend- someone who I went out with for 6 months, 10 years ago. Since that time, I met and married my husband, moved to the country, bought a new house and generally settled into a happy life (apart from both my parents dying, getting sacked from a few jobs and suffering generalized anxiety!).

Ten years is a long time. 

The message from the man I used to date was respectful and told me that I am a beautiful person. He also apologised for the way things ended between us (very, very badly- with a lot of anger on both sides.)

The thing is, this has brought up a lot of unresolved emotion in me. I find that even after 10 years, I still feel angry at this man for the way he treated me. I won't say that he was abusive... well, define "abuse"?  He certainly drove me mad with his constant nit-picking complaining about his life... and eventually he criticised me a lot, because I just couldn't tolerate his endless negativity and complaining about everything under the sun.

I just wanted peace, togetherness and mutual support and respect. Not a one-way street where I was constantly put in the position of care-taker, life-coach, 'Mum' (for want of a better word) and provider of sympathy, encouragement, and advice. It was 100% all one way. Exhausting. 

I got nothing out of the relationship.

So I suppose I am angry because I made a bad judgement in getting to know this person and trying to have a relationship with him. I am angry that I wasted time on him. 

I am angry at his 'nice' message, out of the blue. (I haven't replied to him.)

Has this happened to anyone else out there? What did you do?

S.

[greenpea]

@Sahara Hi Sahara I went out with a guy we shall call A for about a year and yes it was very tumultuous lots of passion with him and also as you say 'nit picking' (he once said my legs were too short for my body ...) anyways ... after I broke up with him for the 3 time and got married with 3 kids he met up with my mother. He asked after me and my mum sung my praises (sweet mum :)) he said agreed and said to say hello and that was it.

We just were not suited for each other at the time ... too young ...maybe it would have worked out if we were older and less rebellious ... in any event I wanted someone more stable than him. He was still finding himself at that time.

Maybe your ex just needs to get things off his chest and doesnt need a reply. Certainly dont give him one unless you want to. Let the past be the past.

[Queenie]

Hey there @Sahara and @greenpea, I was recently contacted yet again by an abusive ex. It seems she knows when things are going sort of okay with me and bang, she will text or call again (usually via text). I don't know the amount of times I've blocked her number, each time she initiates contact on a different number or borrows a friend's phone to attempt to get into contact with me. I wish she wouldn't because then all those yukky feelings I thought I had put to rest come flooding back and I am not sure what to do with them.

She used to introduce me to strangers as "the very bad schizophrenic". Not only is that incorrect (I am actually schizoaffective for a start), having a mental health issue doesn't make me a bad person. I hated the humiliation and the mind games she would play with me. She would twist words and always make me out to the worst person on Earth, she is also a narcissist who in her own eyes can do no wrong.

Anyhoo, I say your ex doesn't need a reply to their message. However, acknowledge the hurt you feel all over again. This relationship obviously caused negative feelings and it is important to own that and not brush them aside. Most importantly go gently and be kind to yourselves. 

[Sahara]

Thanks for writing @greenpea and @Queenie.

@greenpea, it sounds like your Mum handled everything really well and it also sounds like you have put the past to rest well and truly. This is good.

@Queenie, your situation sounds terrible, I would be very traumatised if something like that happened to me!  I understand about having your words twisted and about being made out to be the worst person on Earth! That is what this ex tried to do to me, too, although it was complicated and he certainly felt that I was the villain in the situation and that he was 'helpless'. 

He accused me of a lot of things while we were together. Including trying to trick him into fatherhood, and wanting to have his baby, when nothing could be further from the truth. I was always extremely ambivalent about having kids. To this day, I have not had kids, even though I have been married for 5 years!

So this message from him has opened up all the old feelings of frustration, which I see that I must acknowledge head on, rather than trying to brush aside. I realise that I need to sit with my anger for a while. 

Thank you.