Lived Experience Forum

[Loki]

After 24 years and raising 3 children, I am considering leaving my husband. I have separated from him on a trial basis, and found with a clear head, it is not me and my bipolar 2 that is the cause of every single thing that has ever gone badly! On my own, I am at peace finally, and not living in a constant apologetic state. Typically, every time I ask him about his day he feels I am interrogating him, and will give me one word answers or ignore me totally and watch t.v. as though it is the only thing in the room. He will even shush me! If I try to tell him about my day, even something very important to me, he is quite obviously disinterested and will often, if not always, walk into another room mid sentence. When I have asked him for a favour, he generally forgets completely, yet is always doing favours for his friends. He never used to apologise, saying he was not sorry that my needs came last, when he works so hard. After years of tears, now he will say sorry, but in the most sarcastic tone. His work is his priority, and to everyone around us, including my family, he is a wonderful husband/ father and a good provider. He is never available for me, always quoting or on the phone to clients, going to meetings at night and on weekends. He treats me like a child, is always right, never lets me finish a sentence and if I get upset, he calls it an "episode" I have begged him not to use the diagnosis in an arguement, it seems unfair that if I get angry or upset, he claims it is my mental illness, not him. I have been seeking phsychiatric help and councelling for 12 years, but he refuses to come to marriage councelling. Once he said he would come to my psychiatrist appointment, but then forgot! He tells everyone around him, including workmates, I have a mental illness (despite my asking him time and again to keep it private) I feel like I annoy him and so try to be as quiet as I can, but I am so lonely in our marriage now the kids are gone. He seems to have undermined all my friendships and even says I annoy and frustrate people and should stop seeking their company. My part time work he sees as a hobby, and says I have the luxury of doing what I want, yet he has never wanted me to work outside the home and considers domestic chores and having raised the children as my role. We have begun fighting constantly, as never before; on a recent " marriage saving holiday" he admitted he sabotaged the whole trip, because he never wanted to go, as he missed too much work. That is when I looked up Passive Aggressive behavior, and recognised so many traits. I am seeing a pysycologist again who is convinced I don't have bipolar 2 at all, and have been reacting to the frustration of not being heard/validated and having no love or intamacy in my marriage. How am I to know if leaving him for an independant life is my best option, or like he says, the most selfish thing i  have done to date? Confused and scared.

[Lunar]

Hello @Loki

Thank you for sharing what has been happening for you lately, your relationship sounds really tough at the moment, with the constant put downs that are not direct they are passive, which makes things almost more frustrating and tough for you as you are unable to point them out. It also seems like your mental health is being used against you, as an excuse to be treated a certain way by your partner, that sounds really disrespectful and like you are not being heard or validated at all, it is good that you are working through that and aware of that through your sessions with the psychologist.

It seems like you are at a point where you want to be alone and seeing how that might be better for you but also might cause some stress and hard times as well, it is a hard place to be sitting in. Are you living seperately at the moment? How is that going? You mentioned feelin at peace, that seems nice, are you missing him or anything else happening?

Lunar

Lunar

[utopia]

Hi @Loki. It sounds like you have been the victim of abuse - verbal social financial - for such a long time.
You have been working really hard to look after your mental illness and the children and the home. And still he has not validated anything you have achieved.
A passive aggressive personality is going to put the 'failure' of the marriage onto you. He will put the 'success' of the marriage, fully on his work.
The question is, do you want to spend another 24 years living like that? Because he doesn't seem to want to change or listen or work on your relationship.
You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you. YOU get to choose now what you do with it.
I wish you well with your decision.

[Loki]

Thankyou, I need help...I don't know what to do. I am in a really bad place and I have not a soul to talk to. My daughter-in-law just attempted suicide, I can barely believe this has happened. It is surreal. My poor son, they are at the hospital still since yesterday morning. I am not to tell anyone. I was living apart, near my mum and sisters, which they haven't been very supportive about (they idolise him) but I have had to return home. Also because I have been closed off from our joint account. I have 2 weeks rent paid so I am desperately seeking a job. Now this; I feel helpless, I wanted to call her parents last night and my husband actually got angry and said to butt out! He said she should call them...she is heavily sedated and dosen't want them to know, apparently it was drug induced phsycosis, she did it when he went to work after a weekend festival taking who knows what... 25, with everything going for her, except her anxiety...and lack of any mothering (apart from me.) Her parents live o/s and I know they need to know. I assume they will come asap. I am sitting here alone with a massive tension headache and I know, even for my own benefit, I could go back to my safe place and "butt out".But that is not me, I need to be here for my son. I will ring the concellor to see if I can get in today, I just don't know what the universe is trying to tell me?

[Sahara]

@Loki,

that's terrible news about your daughter-in-law. I am so sorry. Maybe ask your son if you think it would be a good idea to call her parents... explain that as a mother, you would need to know if something happened to one of your children. It seems very cruel to exclude them you daughter-in-laws' parents at this time- but owing to the fact that your daughter-in-law is an adult, you do have to respect her wishes. Even if her wishes go against all you instincts as a Mum. It's a difficult situation to be in for you.

I'm sorry to hear that you husband has locked you out of your bank account. He must be angry at you leaving, which is incredible, giving the fact that he only ignors you when you are there! 

My former partner was like you husband... he always ignored me. I felt like I may as well  have not existed, while I was living with him. Once I left him, he cried and cried, like a baby, which just confused me. I thought he would not even notice that I was gone!

So a person can treat you with disrespect and scorn and yet still be extrememly attached to you, for some unknown reason. I guess that if your relationship is all that he knows... then any change can be scary.

I hope you can get a counselling appointment today. You really need all the support you can get. Please write back and let us know how you are going. 

[Loki]

Thankyou, I am waiting for his call and I will do just that.

[utopia]

@Loki. What a hard position to be in. But ultimately you have to honor your dil's wishes. But that doesn't mean you have to do what your husband says. Talk to your son. Talk to your dil. Let her know how much you love her and care about her. No blame. Just let them both know you are there for them, in whatever way you can be.
With regards to you and your abusive husband. You may like to talk to a support service for women in domestic abuse. Hopefully @NikNik will be able to tell you what services are available in your area. These organisations can help you plan. Can support you no matter your decision.
I wish you all the best.

[Loki]

I am so grateful for this support. The advice is so helpful, I just can't think straight. I went back to my flat, but couldn't stop worrying, so I rang my son and he was very scared. I went to see him, took soup and fruit, talked for hours, he cried, I hugged. I am so incredibly relieved I got over my fear of being unwanted and an intrusion, and was there for him (are mothers more sensitive than fathers?) We waited for the call from the mental health unit. We are still awaiting results of the assessment. I know she is in the best hands and I am reassured somewhat, but my heart aches for them both. What a long and windy road they have ahead of them. At some point yesterday, they rang her parents, who are angry apparently. They sent their troubled son to the hospital against her wishes, they fought with a pool cue and she broke it, and her finger.  Does anybody know if this seems like a mental illness or a reaction to something? This incident is when she was transferred to the unit, does this mean she is sectioned??? Oh Lord. Is there a good site I can read, I am not able to find what I need. Thankyou in advance.

[Loki]

I never thought of there being financial abuse, I have always managed every aspect of our finances, not always well, but I am frugal, and I try. When he does really yell at me, it will be "where does all the money go?!" and I say, bills, food, life...look at the statement! He dosen't trust me, he has some kind of mental block, yet he won't take any interest in the banking, it is so out of control. When I think about just that aspect, and how I have always had to ask if I can buy something, even though I earn good money as a cleaner, I think you have a point! I need to work on why I let this happen to me ultimately

[utopia]

@Loki. I don't think you 'let' this happen to you. It just did. Most likely, slowly over time. You didn't let it happen and you don't deserve it.
Give the SANE Help Line a call - 1800 187 263. They will be able to give you a bit of advice about what may be happening for your dil. Alternatively, call the hospital and ask them what is happening or explain to you.
I wish you well during this difficult time. And how lovely to be able to hold your son and be there for him. That is something that I'm sure he truly appreciates and needs.