Lived Experience Forum

[Blue13]

hi everyone, I’m just looking for a little bit of advice. if anyone knows me from my earlier post, I have a bit of anger issues built up trauma over childhood, and now I have brought my anger issues into my relationship recently. I was lashing out at my partner, and the fights were very very ugly because I was treating him unfairly.  I went to Therapy for a few  times but unfortunately

I cannot longer afford it at the moment but I can say it really did help me with strategies that I’ve taken with me and whenever I remember to use them they help so much. Within the last three weeks, for some reason, I been having these anger tantrums where I jump around, I scream I run around the house. I don’t know what to do I don’t know if it’s normal, but I don’t want to do it any more and I want to go forward from it. For instance last night me and my partner are having a conversation, and he said something that I didn’t like, and I punched the bed frame, it could be a different way of expressing my anger instead of lashing out at him but now I feel like I’m scaring him, and to be honest, I’m scaring me too. I don’t know if it’s my inner child expressing herself as she would. I’m not sure, but if anyone has any advice to not have those tantrums, then I’ll be all ears

thank you

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Blue13 ,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. It's understandable that you're feeling scared and frustrated by your expression of your anger, especially if it's affecting your partner and your relationship.

It's great that you've already tried therapy and found some strategies that help when you remember to use them. That's a really positive step forward.

I have previously been in a relationship where I would have extreme reactions in an argument. It was really difficult to cope, so I know how you're feeling. What helped me was therapy and self-reflection. It could be helpful to explore where the anger is coming from. Is there something triggering it? Is it related to past trauma or unresolved emotions? Understanding the root cause can sometimes help in finding better ways to cope.

If you're unable to afford therapy right now, there are often low-cost or free options available, like counselling sessions with the Guided Service at SANE (https://www.sane.org/referral). 

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Healing from past trauma and managing anger issues takes time and patience. It's okay to have setbacks along the way, but what's important is that you're taking steps to address them and move forward.

[D1ng0]

Definitely do access professional psychological support if you are punching things and reacting to your partner with intense anger, that sounds like an unsafe situation for him (psychologically and/or physically, especially if it escalates further). It might also be very supportive to encourage your partner to access his own psychological supports, if he is dealing with fear in this relationship. That could be a really good way to let your partner know that you see there is a problem, you are doing something about it, and you also acknowledge that he needs support. Without that communication his fear may continue to grow.

It might also be good to put a plan in place, ideally with professional guidance, about what you will do instead of screaming, punching, or yelling. For your own emotional regulation, but also for his safety.

There are bulk-billing counselling services out there which you can access, depending on your area. I've accessed such services a few times. @lavenderhaze has offered some great advice.

[tyme]

Hey @Blue13 ,

I'm hearing you. I can relate to lashing out too. It was therapy that made the difference for me. Yet I hear financially, it's a struggle. 

As @lavenderhaze mentioned, you can see if you are eligible for our Guided Service 🙂 This is a free service and is tailored to your MH needs.

What are some of the strategies you have tried? I can see you have reflected on things and really want to make things work.

For me, I had to be firm with boundaries for myself. e.g. when I felt I was angry, I would withdraw myself before either party got hurt. Also, this was communicated to my loved ones beforehand so that they'd know not to keep at me when I was already heightened.

Also, they would check-in with me after e.g. send me a text to see if I was ready to talk. If I wasn't ready, they'd respect that.

[NatureLover]

Hi @Blue13 , I know I was the same - very angry over childhood (actually lifelong) abuse.

What helped me was years of therapy validating my childhood abuse. Talking it all through with my psychologist. I'm not an angry person any more.

I know you said you can't afford therapy, but it might be something to aim for down the track? 

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @Blue13 🌺🙂

im really sorry to hear this is happening. 
It sounds quite frightening for you. 
I have a history of trauma, and I found that I would get really actively angry (as in uncontrolled rage/fear-fight sensation) if things weren’t going right. 
it was always where I was pushed outside my comfort zone or into a sense of insecurity or threat of loss. 
As a tall strong/fit woman, I was very damaging to objects if I was pushed past my very small window of tolerance - mainly because I yet didn’t understand myself very well, and why I had such low thresholds, or what I was so afraid of that kept me just sub-fight/flight 24/7. 
I grew to learn that the volatility of environments I had been in firstly gave me this exact blueprint to use as my own stock standard for behaviour, and secondly my own insecurity of person/possessions/relationships was developed from this environment. 
I slowly learned what my topics of emotional sensitivity were (ToES - a term I use as an alternate to the word ‘trigger’, because I do not like that word to describe emotional sensitivity/heightening - it’s a term that has been applied to and not supportive of or for people who have experienced trauma, imho - especially when that trauma includes firearms), and from there I then used that knowledge to take action: I would either withdraw from a situation to go think it through first before I said anything when I could feel I was losing control of my feelings and my body was going from 1 straight to 1000 in terms of fight/flight/scream/yell/destroy to ‘protect’ myself; I would tell others I can’t cope and can they write down what they want to communicate instead, while leaving out anything personally opinionated about me, and I will calm down and objectively reply when I can; or I if I was really on my ToES I would go sprinting on a field till exhausted or to a local boxing gym where I lived and punch the bag for an hour or so. 

I literally needed to expel the physical energy that came with such intense ToES experiences, otherwise it just seemed to go back into its weak cage, waiting for the next time it would escape. 

I reflected a lot about who I was, what I wanted in life, and rehearsed in my mind the different ways I wanted to respond. I realised that I was not a product of my environment; I was my own person, and I could overcome what I had been taught by observing others (I saw how other young people were treated by their parents, and I then knew that what I experienced was not the norm nor what I deserved). 

I was able to change the patterns I had in my behaviour, by also realising that I was actually not under an elusive threat 24/7, and that I could learn to trust myself and others.

I’m still an angry kind of person, but that angry is my fuel which I turn into really constructive things, by using the energy to motivate me to do the things I love, which is advocacy, helping people, and learning new things.

you’re not alone - and please don’t ever thing lesser of yourself because of the current fallout happening from what you’ve been through 🙂🙌🏻🌺 

I have hope for you, and that things will change for so much the better with a bit of reflection and support 💜🙂🌺

[Jasper_123]

Hey @Blue13 , Sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your anger levels. Next time your triggered by something I would encourage you to remove yourself from the situation: go for a walk, have a cold shower, listen to angry music in some headphones. The feeling of anger will pass but your behaviour towards your partner will have a lasting effect. 

[Blue13]

Hey thanks for your message. I definitely have been doing that lately it it is helping. Trying to choose inner peace and stay quiet in the moments I feel something coming on. I keep thinking “ choose your battles wisely and it honestly seems to be helping. I think it has been two weeks. Fingers crossed

[Blue13]

Hey thanks for sharing your experience. No one realises how much it may help from hearing one to another rather then hearing to get some help all the time 😞 .i have been Trying to choose inner peace and stay quiet in the moments I feel something coming on. I keep thinking “ choose your battles wisely and it honestly seems to be helping. I think it has been two weeks. Fingers crossed

[Blue13]

Strategies I have tried are. 1. Really feeling and acknowledging the emotions, feeling.
If I start to feel angry
I talk to myself out loud about the anger and tell myself that it’s okay to be anger and that I am feeling angry! I give myself enough time to be angry and then I come to be ok. Without kicking and screaming around anyone. Lately I have been trying to keep in my mind “ inner peace and remembering to choose my battles wisely and that has really helped as well! I haven’t been speaking or reacting to things straight away. Just keeping my mouth shut and thinking inner peace