Lived Experience Forum

[Micky_f]

Thanks @greenpea 

[Peri]

Dear @Micky_f , I think a lot of us can relate to what you are saying , or parts of it, whether we are alcoholics or not.

i am a periodic drinker I don’t believe I am an alcoholic, but when I am having trouble coping I drink a bit. Not excessive, but it calms me down. I can stop drinking when I want and don’t drink everyday. But it can be a problem, leaning on a crutch like that.  

You need to let you wife help you. Tell her what you need from her. I would also suggest talkin g to your kids when you are ready , the more people you have on your team the stronger you will feel.  Find a support network.  Find a new favourite drink to have when you are out.  

It is not easy, but you have made the first step here by acknowledging the issue.

AA works for some and is very supportive. 

And keep posting here and people will respond

peri

[Micky_f]

Thanks @Peri for taking the time to read and reply to my post. You are right, I do need to let me wife help, I just don’t know how to let her in to do it. I’ve always been the sort that will sort my problems out on my own. I suppose if I completely let her in I’m frightened about what will come out that I have buried deep and done my best to ignore. I will have to look at myself in the cold light of day and probably admit things about myself that I really don’t like. But I suppose that is another step in the healing process. Sorry about the rant, I suppose I’m just musing and seeing things written down is helping 🤷🏻‍♂️

[saltandpepper]

@Micky_f I feel kind of hypocritical in saying this, but hey, I'm not perfect so I'll say it anyway. I think, in order to kick it successfully, you'll need to learn a new coping strategy. That is going to take time. It's incredibly difficult creating new habits, let alone ones that require breaking an addiction. I'm not sure it's something we can handle without professional support. Have you spoken to your GP or a psychologist before? I think it's important to remember that to treat alcoholism, we need to look at the whole picture. And yeah, it'll probably mean glaring at some ugly truths that you'd rather not face, but it's the only way it works--I think so anyway. I mean, as I write this, I've just come home from the bottle shop, so I'm not really the best person for this, I guess.

I also want to say that it blows my mind how you're viewing previous attempts to quit as some sort of failure. Any time you go without is a positive step towards your overall goal. I've got no doubt that the majority of people who have gone through this have had set backs. It's to be expected, setbacks aren't failures. It's what you do after slipping up that matters. Addiction isn't going to just slip away easily, but if this is what you want, you take every god damn win you get and keep charging ahead. With support, time, and learning new ways to cope, and perhaps in dealing with the underlying issues, you can get there. I'm sure of it.

[Last-Lament]

Hi @Micky_f I read this post and saw how big, how hard the whole picture of your experience must be to you. You've taken steps already to make changes, and that is a very, very good thing. 

I'm not a drinker, I was married to one, and I recognise your efforts and your pain and congratulate you on reaching out to find a solution that will work for you. 

May I respectfully suggest that you try to let your wife help you, she is hurting too, hurting that she can't make things better for you.

Maybe you could both negotiate the type of help that might be useful to you, as not all helpful suggestions are actually helpful to everyone. 

As I read your post, I wondered if the idea of taking each difficult moment as just that, a difficult moment to get through, would be more useful and encouraging to your overall sense of yourself and achievement. Maybe you can work toward having enough strength and self control as you've mentioned, for that ONE time. Try to see each time as ONE time, instead of seeing all those possible stumbling blocks lining up before you. 

Being able to gain a success even once is exactly that, a success, and it can give that tiny bit of encouragement to continue the next time you feel the need to do something you wish you would not do. 

I hope I have explained that well enough. 

My anxiety levels mean I am unable to do anything like the things normal people can do. I used to do those things without a thought, now it's mostly impossible.

I use the strategy of getting through a difficult situation/ action/ interaction/ appointment by deciding which is the most advantageous to my future self - fighting my way through, or letting it go. Health things are whole of life things, and mean I need to fight my way through this ONE time without worrying about how many more times I may have to do it. It's tough, very, very tough. 

I wish you well.

[Micky_f]

@saltandpepper  nothing hypocritical there mate, we are all better at giving our advice than taking it.

I agree, I do need to take stock in the little victories and not focus on the future problems, just be aware that they are there.

I gave up taking drugs a long long time ago, but that was somewhat easier in the respect they aren’t constantly in your face or as socially acceptable, people don’t catch up for  a barbecue with the kids to takes heroin, whereas a few beers is the norm. 

I will get into contact with my gp, especially if the stomach pains keep getting worse, they are a killer.

Hopefully you can get to a place where you need to be mate, wherever that is on the spectrum of alcohol use, it’s not easy and I know for myself it’s all or nothing with no in between but everyone is different.

i suppose if we just try and make each day just a little bit better than the one before it’s start

[Micky_f]

Hi @Last-Lament, thank you for your beautiful words and sentiments.

I am doing my best to let my wife help, I’m just struggling to figure out how.

Youre right she is hurting, hurting from my drinking but also hurting through helplessness, which breaks my heart that I am causing her this two fold pain.

after quite a bit of soul searching yesterday, what you have said is correct. I do need to focus on the wins especially the small ones.

I’m sorry to hear you suffer from anxiety, I have known people who also do and it can be incredibly unseen but also incredibly crippling. 

But in saying that you are going into it with the best possible attitude which can only be a good thing.

All the best,

Mick

[Micky_f]

Hi @HappyCastle ,

Thank you for that advice! I used to have that app on my phone but had forgotten all about it. Just downloaded it again yesterday and it does help a lot.

Thanks again,

Mick

[Last-Lament]

@Micky_f  how are you going today? 

Thank you for your kind words too, the levels of anxiety vary, good when I can keep intrusions under control, moving to overwhelm when things; and people, intrude unexpectedly, or when I have to work up to having to go out for medical appointements etc. 

I hope you can find some ways to see the wins you do have, when you have them, because they are there. 

To work out how your wife might be able to help you perhaps have a chat with her about the things she'd like to help you with, and the things you'd like to have help with, whether it's her help or help from somewhere else. Different ideas can make a big impact on how we see things and can then do things. 

If talking is too hard or embarassing or whatever, maybe write notes in an exercise book or soemthing that you can each then answer each other and follow up on? I knew a couple who used to do that with each other over alcohol problems and they managed to get back on track after really seriously putting in some effort. 

Be well. 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Micky_f ah thanks for the laugh--bbq with the kids and some heroin. Ha! Sorry I didn't get back to ya last night--the all or nothing remark you made, same. Last night was all--tonight hopefully nothing. Had a bit of a shit night but I did read your post and wanted to drop in now that I'm sober and say hey.

I'm really pleased you've made the decision to go to the GP. Do you think you'll ask your wife to be with you? I can be terrible at the follow through with appointments. Helps if there's someone I can be accountable to, so that I actually make it inside the building for the appointment. Also, if possible, it might be an idea to see if someone can watch your kids for the day? It might be a bit draining for you and your partner at the GP. Might be nice if you guys have some down time, together, or on your own, to process it all. Again, I'm really pleased you've made the decision to see your doctor, not an easy step, so be proud you've taken it!