Working through CPTSD

[Louie333]

Hi, I am here because I have managed to conquer agoraphobia,(to a degree). CPTSD, an anxiety disorder alongside 29 years of DV related chronic spinal pain. Body dysmorphia too.

I was doing pretty well after working hard with a Psychologist. I made a bad irrational decision one month ago. This decision impacts my life in an extremely negative way regarding future happiness and also hugely financially. I had a huge opportunity and blew it by almost casually turning it down. My brain obviously was not working well at the time yet I thought I was alright at the time.I can't trust myself anymore.

The rumination, grief and regret has pushed me back to the darkest place I have ever been,That is really saying something. I have stopped leaving the house, shut myself off from the world again. Can't function except total essential tasks. Become trapped in this hellish head. Bit of head hitting and pulling hair in frustration. Walking a very thin line on the edge because I made a terrible mistake I can't undo and I keep reliving the moment and freezing in shock at what I did. Had a delayed reaction to even realising what I had done before it hit like a ton of bricks.

Terrified of going under as I have children. I know me, moving on and letting go is not a strong point. Scared to wake, scared of night and not doing so well in the moments in-between. Sorry, it's a bit long and a bit harsh, it is how it is at the minute. I don't have much support from family. I have one friend who tries. Myself and my partner have explained to the children that I am having a breakdown, they are teens who understand as best they can but I feel such guilt.

Getting over this biggest regret of my life feels pretty impossible after getting over the sort of major trauma's I have,(learning to live with them). Its easier for me to forgive or at least move on from what others have done to me or what I have witnessed, so much harder to conceive forgiving myself for a life changing mistake in my 50's that was all mine and quite avoidable. I know no one can can hold my hand and pull from this nightmare but maybe being here will help. Hi and sorry, that was long and might not make sense, not in a space where sense is right now. My psychologist is at a loss, says she does not know what to do. I have gone onto antidepressants again and do take medication to sleep. Have no idea if long term medication has ruined my decision making skills or it's the CPTSD. Does not matter really because I am here now and it's tough. Thanks for having me.

[tyme]

Hi there @Louie333 ,

Welcome to the forums. 

I have moved your post over here so that you can connect with others who may be going through something similar.

Thank you for reaching out and trusting the community with your experiences. I hear you have battled through many challenges, and you continue to work through some very difficult trauma.

You are not alone. 

I read you are doing what you can to better yourself, despite there being regrets and loss in your life. I hear how tough it is for you right now.

Please know we are listening, and we hear you.

[8ppleTree]

HI @Louie333 

You're not alone. I don't know what your choices were, or are now, but I recognise someone who has felt deep pain. You're not a bad person for making a choice. CPTSD sometimes lets us beat ourselves up, worse than the world ever could. It's sneaky like that.  

You have done amazing to do all that work to rejoin the world and be comfortable in your body! It's ok to have setbacks, question things, and then go on to heal another layer. You will come out of this stronger, fuller, safer, wiser, again. Not because you did anything wrong, but because you trusted yourself and your timing. 

I hear you say that your psych is at a loss. Would you consider changing up your supports? 

I wish I could give you a hug! x

[Louie333]

Thank you, it is good to feel less alone, although sorry so many endure the tough bumpy times. 

You are right, sneaky the way CPTSD does seem to make us have superpowers at self beating up and self blame. 

In the case of my massive error, it really was a very life changing bad decision and not the right one at the time sadly, all my own doing.  This makes the self inner critic feel like a hammer to the brain for realising all too late what I had done.

It feels very stupid considering I was doing so well before. I seem to become obsessive and hyper focused on one track all too often, this time is the biggest loss and I hope one day it becomes a lesson and less heavy. It is kind of you to post out the positive moves forward that came before because maybe they can come back at some point. I really hope so. 

I always think of the layers of healing like a spiral staircase where we move up to a new level of healing, sometimes doubling back for a while before ascending again. 

I have seen my Psychologist for over three years now. It's quite hard to find anyone with open books where I am, particularly one who offers victims of crime which makes it affordable. It's certainly hard that she has run out of ideas at this rough bump in the road. I am currently reaching out to various support lines in the hope of staying out of hospital. 

Anyway, thanks so much, I will get the hang of this forum thing eventually:)

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Louie333 

I like what you mentioned about healing being a spiral. Sometimes it does feel more like peeling back layers of a stinky onion at times, lol.  

I hear your grief around what could have been, without the trauma, and the meds and the decision-making impacts of it all. I really do. I don't have answers either. I think that sometimes we make all these choices hoping for the highest outcomes, our best interests, and everyone's around us, our health, our functionality, to do this particular job, for x amount of time, or not do the bad thing, etc. Hoping. We are just doing the best we can with what we have each day, in a universe made of infinite potentialities. But I know it doesn't take away the grief you feel or the frustration. I'm sorry for your pain at the moment. Forgiveness of the self can be the hardest thing. 

I don't know if you have looked into it already, but the Blue Knot Foundation have specific supports around complex trauma recovery you might find useful?

Blue Knot Helpline and Redress Support Service

Phone: 1300 657 380
Email: helpline@blueknot.org.au
Hours: 7 days a week, 9am-5pm AEST/AEDT

Good on you for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to keep pushing past the blocks we find in life. Take it easy x 

[Louie333]

Than you for hearing the grief, it means a lot.

It's important to believe the universe can offer infinite opportunities we may not have been presented with. 

Whilst this part of grief feels overwhelmingly like quicksand, trying to believe in a future and knowing healing is also a goal to aspire to for those we love as well as ourselves keeps you from falling to the very bottom of the spiral, or stinky onion;). 

Forgiveness of self looks so far out of reach right now, that's always a more challenging work in progress. Managed to get dressed today, baby step but its a step better than before.

I did reach out to Blue Knot yesterday for the first time. A real conversation with depth and wisdom which was very good. 

May we all knock down those life blocks like wrecking balls, erm, wrecking balls wrapped in stinky onions. lol.

You take care too and thank you x