Loneliness and Grief

[Patticake]

I wasn’t sure where to post as having problems understanding different methods.

I am really lonely and grieving today. Last August my husband was in Hospital for the last time before coming home to Palliative Care. I have good days but not today. I had trouble getting out of bed and will soon go back. I had all of my blinds closed by 2 o’clock today. I am missing my husband terribly today. I have PTSD from severe childhood trauma. We loved each other and he knew my past. Something I have had to keep to myself mainly although some wonderful people do know. At 73 it is not something that people talked about. No convictions or compensation not that it bothers me a lot except financially, emotionally, spiritually it has taken a lot from me. I worked until retirement. I have had depression all of my life. I have had great counselling but as the book says The Body Keeps The Score. I have had illnesses probably due to my overall health. Sarcoma, melanoma and lung cancer. I thank you for allowing me to post. I may have repeated past posts. It’s todays bad day.

[MJG017]

@PatticakeI'm so sorry to hear about your husband, but I can certainly understand how devastating it must be.  I'm dealing with my own serious illness, so I completely get how difficult it can make dealing with everything else going on in life.  I think we all have those really bad days when it feels like nothing will help, but things do slowly get better and not all days will be like today as I'm sure you know.

Is there anything you enjoy doing that you could throw yourself into?  Or are there any groups or services around you you could use, even just to get out of the house for a while and be around other people.  I used to work for some local community centres here and they had quite a few groups that a lot of retired people really enjoyed, if only for the social aspect.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

[Krishna]

Hi @Patticake I do hope that given time the sun shines for you again. Grief certainly doesn’t travel in a straight line and it’s fully understandable that you would be feeling the way you are with the anniversary of your husbands passing.  Let all those emotions flow and release and rest as no doubt it’s exhausting. Sending love and understanding your way. Rest well 🙏

[Stout]

Sending you good wishes and companionship @Patticake 

[Patticake]

@Stout. Thank you so much for your support. Yesterday was the worst and support meant so much. Hope is such a great word.

[Patticake]

@Krishna. Thank you for your support. Yesterday was a really bad day. I did not have anyone I could really talk to as family were away on holiday. I think hope is a great word and also allowing time for rest as I can feel guilty not doing things.

[Patticake]

@MJG017 Thank you for your support. I do feel a little better today. It’s true I think that I am ok and then  yesterday was just awful. I am glad that I had this forum as I wasn’t up to talking to help lines. Depression has been a part of my journey from a very young age and is my baseline. Genetics plus trauma. I don’t have depressive episodes very much now but I do come from that baseline. I am hoping to join groups next year. I went to volunteer at one place and realised it was too early that I needed to help myself first.

[Stout]

It seems that the older we get the better we can become at dealing with certain things. Like depression, greif and loneliness. But unfortunately they come as a bundle, making it hard to seperate the issues. I think the greatest skill @Patticake for most normal people is being able to ignore it.

Like so many of us the social statistics reveal, loneliness is a feature of the built society, Australia. 

[MJG017]

@PatticakeI'm glad you're feeling a little better today.  I understand what you mean by having that low baseline.  I think there's a bit of inevitability to these bad days when you're starting from here.  I guess we just have to hope they don't come around very often and just be prepared to ride them out when they do.

I hope you find the groups and volunteering a help once you start them, but as you've found, you need to be ready to take these on mentally and it would probably on cause more harm if you rush it.  In the meantime, keep us updated on how you're going and hopefully you continue to find the forum helpful.

[Quiet_Maker]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and the difficulty of your current experience. 

I too have had depression all my adult life and while not through someone passing, I do know what it is to lose the person that you feel most able to speak about the darkness, grief and traumatic memories you have. 

Your post resonated with me for a number of reasons but most of all because you mentioned the book The Body Keeps the Score which I read a couple of years ago during a difficult time. Art and making have been the major way I have dealt with my depression, mania and anxiety (I have bipolar disorder and generalised anxiety disorder) throughout my adult life. I completed a creative Honours project at university ten years ago about the connection between abstract drawing and mindfulness.

I am currently working on a creative PhD research proposal about the way in which art making can help us to process trauma and grief, using my own lived experience to make my creative work, and ultimately hoping to create something that will help others. 

I thought this might interest you given you mentioned The Body Keeps the Score and Bessel van Kolk (forgive me if I spelt that wrong) is one of the theorists I am looking at. Forgive me if it doesn’t interest you, I replied with the best of intentions. 

Take care of yourself and do those little things that help lift you. Years ago during one of my many bouts of treatment resistant depression a dear friend suggested I try just five minutes of something. After five minutes I could decide to continue or to stop, but it meant I had started and allowed for the possibility that doing might make things shift. The other piece of advice that has really helped me is to look up. I find great solace in the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the clouds and the sky. 

May you have a peaceful and restful day, and May it be brighter than the one before.