Something’s not right
I am hearing you @outlander 
I think that recovery question as well as what you are beginning to put in place for when your Pop is not there are 2 really important ones to mull over further.
I need to head to bed Hon but will respond to your last post better tomorrow - really need sleep myself - been a very tiring week. I hope you can get some sleep tonight and regain a little strength 
Hi @outlander , I saw this advertised on the “Future Learn” site. It’s a free course offered by Monash University.
Hey @outlander I am not thinking very clearly this afternoon but will give this reply to your post last night a go...
I am glad to hear your Mum is stepping up on occasions and talking to your Pop when he is being difficult - it is not a burden you should be (or need to) carry alone. In saying that though you need more help than family are presently providing and if it comes to a point where you cannot keep going then those difficult decisions need to be seriously made. I know thst is very complicated and scary with the consequences also for you but the continued abuse, demands and expectations placed on you also hold you back from 'finding' yourself, what you want to do and where you want to go in life. I absolutely acknowledge that all of that is very difficult for you to sort out right now but it all really is something you need to start to do in prearation for the future without your Pop when that time comes.
I also very much hear your reluctance to see a psych again but you are doing some of that online anyway and the next step is to revisit that in-person support. Those sessions do not need to be looking back, nor do they need to be talking about everything you are dealing with all the time. Focussing on one or two things, learning new ways to deal with them both short term and longer term and working towards goals you can realistically reach would give you both confidence and purpose. 'Recovery' is not about 'being better' - it is about working with what you have to take positive steps forward. For you a lot of that is also tied to your physical health so it is certainly going to be a long road ...but achieveable with the right supports in place. I can say that from personal experience with my own physical issues - but half tha battle is accepting that we have to make changes and putting them in place. It is not easy and certainly does take a lot of work, retraining ourselves in things we can and cannot do but it is also necessary.
What stands out most for me is how tired you are Hon - that really sounds like burnout and needs to be taken seriously by everyone around you. You are not a robot and you cannot continue along this present road - so there really are a lot of very hard decisions that have to be made. They do not all have to be made today though - although looking after you needs to start now. Struggling to get out of bed, sleep all over the place and the constant stress you are under is all no doubt adding to your physical as well as mental wellbeing - and that is overwhelming in itself - you need help and you need support ...and you need to begin to put yourself first ...even just for moments in the day and begin building up from that.
We are all here with you but there is only so much we can do - not taking away at all how important the support from the forum is but also recognising that we are limited here and IRL support is also essential for all of us. Sending you so much love and hugs @outlander You can do whatever it is you choose to do and be whatever you want to be but that has to start with you ...and with the right help to get you started
Thanks @Zoe7 its ok im not tinking to well this arvo either. Thank you for taking the time to write though.
Yes thankfully sometimes mum will help, othertimes not so much. He now has more ailments that I need to worry about because shortly he may not be able to drive even short distances- that wont go down well at all if he gets told he no longer has a license. I dont really understand why he only got 2 hours a week though. I know he can do things for himself like shower but he likes to run outside at different hours of the night sometimes or leaves the oven on or he will blast the shower so hard it floods the whole room including the roof. Im grateful he does have that bit of support but it wouldve been good if he had more and they would actually help with abit of housework. He shoves them out the door basically as soon as they get here and he wont let me communicate with them either or very rarely so it makes it difficult. I even left a note for them and he ripped it up and threw it out and when I went to hand it to them he snatched it
maybe I will try and see another psych when I can get another renewal done. Should be soon I think... I dont really know. I know I wont go when I feel like this, I know thats prob the best time to go but I struggle to get there, struggle to talk and all I can think about is how much I dont want to be there. I have accepted I need help but I cant seem to get there. Not really sure if that makes sense though.
I have had burnout before but not to this extent. Ive still been able to get out of bed or do the horses etc but im struggling to do them so I know its worse then ive had before. Maybe once I get the allergenist appts out of the way or at least help with those and the neurosurgeon to help with that maybe itll get better at least physically or the right direction anyway.
Thank you for your support
