Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity 

...feel like a lone crusader ... re pet greenie projects ... me too.  I thought I had found a friend but she was brittle and fiercely defending her community status (she had just gotten an award) and putting me down ... tellling me what to do, without a clue what she was talking about. so thats one off the list of potential friends. 

My personality is weird, in that I generate a lot more hopeful thoughts than depressing thoughts. Cant get any worse keep a look out for something good, be hopeful etc, but today I stayed in bed almost to 3.  I just could not get moving, but eventually dragged myself out and did my stretches on the floor.  Which bit of me does not hurt ... ha ha. My depressive thoughts are seriously extreme tho, but also tied up with grief and weariness from hard work.

I have withdrawn from one section of my court garden and handed it over to the lady whose property borders on it.  For 20 years nobody had cared ... but new lady is a gardener ... so I said it was all her responsibility ... as by law ... her verge etc ...

I have not done much at my physio garden this year, mentioned I should do something, but the practice manager just reassured me it was cold, and I did not have to get out with my spade...  so she was appreciative and decent and warm hearted.   Been going to that practice since before covid.  

Last night I sat next to a lady who knew the fellow who interviewed me for my BMus just after my brother's death (1995).  I am grateful to him and the tradition of church music.  I had to do more singing than I ever intended to, we had to join and conduct choirs etc.  He was always kind and I ran into him periodically since, tho not since I have joined the forum.  He would be very elderly now. I was not physically very weel... neck and stuff as well as grief and baad marriage but I clung to it, and now I look back I have have had nearly 30 years of exquisite music.  I always feel on the outer as most people in the scene have very privileged lives, but I am learning to set my liines in the sand ... dont boss me around too much ... you will get far more value out of me.  The connections go deep even if they are not real friendships.

There was another dude who I recognised, you know that feeling, where do I know him from ,,, he had been a teacher of my mother.  So I weirdly I felt very anchored last night during rehearsal. It was in a city church I had never been inside before!

Re public transport.  I had 3 conversations last night.  I think I really would have gone psychotic if I had not had my train conversations in last 20 years. Somehow ity allows me to speak freely ....  before I was catching the train... and just in my car and more isolated .... I was speaking out loud and to myself a lot ... 

All 3 conversations were with males ... I started one cos I heard a gay copuple listening to piano music on their phone, said I was imporessed they were listening to quality. Others started the other conversations.  People are very lonely ... Eg a group of yo9ung males were being loud and my eyes must of settled on one as he was doing pushups.  He said Dont look at me like that, and I said without thinking ... you are acting like a pork chop people are going to look at you.  He then said he was a stoner and I was a loner ... and I said 'Honey you do not know what I have gotten up' to!  Then he followed me on the platform calling me Mrs Doubtfire as a compliment ...lol  I just uttered what came out ...

On the way home, a drunk man sat opposite me and was needing to talk and all over the place ... only on cider ... but weirdly I spoke to him .... and broke down many cultural barriers ... he was grateful.  All he could see was white lady and black man.  I was pretty blunt but also light hearted.  

Am I fearless or mad ... probably both ... at the end of the line I said the conversation was over and he was not to follow me and he respected that and wanted a hug ... yep ... so daggy apple gave him a hug and told him about my very big son.  He did not have a home and was living on the train for a bit ... sad.

[Dimity]

You're one intrepid lady @Appleblossom  with an amazing ability to make connections. Interesting convergences last night in an unfamiliar church. Your church music sounds immersive in so many ways - metaphors of baptism come to mind, you seem to have found yourself in that milieu.

I'm not out and about at all  and have been rejected from a couple of local churches. I need to reinvent myself but fear I'm declining and lack the capacity.

Hope the stretches help your pain and mobility. I'll be looking for a physiotherapist,  as I'm not happy with what I was just prescribed - when I checked online I found 4 relevant contraindications. Also time for some serious relaxation and natural therapies methinks. 

My neighbour has rung me daily this week. We have little in common and he has many foibles but he's lonely and essentially kindly. 

Interesting that with your background you're an optimist. I'm melancholic, depressive, but live in hope of new beginnings that never seem to eventuate. Maybe they do sometimes. 

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity 

It is just what came my way last night. Part of my heart will always be with street people. Random acts of kindness ... but I feel there are enough security ... around ... for me ...

I am very sensitive to rejection and back away fairly easily, but trying to take heart and developing some banter and push back ... not felt up to posting in  ... the socilaising thread cos I became too deeply distressed and upset by some things that happened... which i8s part of why I went back to choir cos I know I can do my part even if I am a physical or emotional wreck.

Its sad that you felt rejected by churches. It is not christian in any true sense. 

I too have been rejected... by a city church 8 years ago ... but that was more due to Institutional Child sex abuse scandals and Cardinal Pell ...etc etc ...(I was trying to be careful and not challenge status quo) I was devastated, went on heavy meds etc founbd forum ... finally have moved on ... 

This week had an interesting experience where I intervened and am enabling a grand piano to be located at a local church.  there ae 2 -3 people who have been decent to me... Part of my push back ... is that I will be mentioning that some others need to 'work on their manners' ... hhmmm being hardnosed ... some people can get away with being rude... blunt ... and hurtful ... and they do not even know it ... just casually putting people down.  yes I was hurt .. but it looks worse for them ... with their empty pews... anyway with this new church asset ... see what evolves ... I wrote in an email they were mad not to accept the piano.  Gives me satisfaction ... to say they were the mad ones ... lol  

@Dimity this forum has been deeply meaningful for me.  Doubt I would be still here without it.

Hope the kindly neighbour is respectful, and not too much of a downer.  There are all sorts ... arent there?

[NatureLover]

@Dimity  I'm upset for you that your neighbour removed the flowering bush that gave you happiness and that you planted! I would be livid. 

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@Dimity wrote:

have been rejected from a couple of local churches.

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This has happened to me, and I'm sad for you. I stepped away from religion after that (there were more complex things at play in my decision to step away too). 

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@Dimity wrote:

I need to reinvent myself but fear I'm declining and lack the capacity.

... 

I'm melancholic, depressive, but live in hope of new beginnings that never seem to eventuate.

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I am sending wishes you can see a way forward and for a new beginning to come naturally... 💚

[Dimity]

@Appleblossom I occasionally crossed paths with street people when commuting through the city... rarely interacted. Once a big issue salesperson chatted, he recognised me (he was a former student). 

I understand re feeling rejection  and sometimes distress. It's not always easy or possible to re-engage but with fortitude and resilience we can try.

My grandmother minded a baby grand for years. Your church is lucky, and hopefully it will enable you to enjoy more musicking. Manners... can be subjective... depend very much on whatever social and cultural mores we grew up with... and some have no idea of how they're received... perhaps empathy is part awareness part making the intuitive/imaginative leap to another's perspective. I resist excusing myself when my neighbour wants to chat... our backgrounds are very different but we work on commonalities... sometimes he offends my sensibilities but who am I to judge. 

Well, as of today we embark on a new financial year. It doesn't affect me much, but feels like passing another milestone. And today  I've started a new prn med that gives me pain relief. I don't like the lists of caveats and contraindications I found so will use it sparingly. But I'm a little more hopeful.

[Dimity]

Thankyou @NatureLover.

Yes religion and spirituality seem complicated. Maybe that's why there are so many flavours of them. My parents came from oppositional traditions so I guess I was always conflicted. And I carry a few  scars. 

I'm deeply shaken by the stealthy removal and obliteration of the garden - something the neighbour openly aspires to, despite the minuted decisions of the owners corporation.  The "gardener" is under his control however in our self-managed corporation and there's nothing I can do. Every time the "gardener" visits more is lost. The neighbour bought into the corporation only 2 years ago and says he wants "flat lawn". 

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity 

Feeling frustration for you re the loss of your garden. You have been there so long and put in the work. For a recent arrival to be so demanding, manipulative, underhand and pushy about it is pretty awful, and says a lot about his character. If he did not like the current garden he should have bought elsewhere.

We do need to compromise a bit to get along socially, I sense you have plenty of consideration, but when it is stretched too far ... I hope the chatty fellow learns to tone it down and not deliberately offend.  I think I am too far gone in what I have experienced to really know.  Why I went through what I did with that fellow on the train makes me wonder about myself.  Should I have moved away?? Always questioning myself.

Hope your Sunday is a good one

[NatureLover]

I'm glad to hear about your new prn which gives pain relief, @Dimity . It's good to have resources in the tool box for when things are bad, even though you use them sparingly. And I'm happy to hear it gives you a little hope.

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@Dimity wrote:

I'm deeply shaken by the stealthy removal and obliteration of the garden

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This happened to me recently as I think I told you - only with one winter-flowering plant, but it was awful. So unnecessary. No wonder you're deeply shaken. 🫂 I get upset when trees are cut down...in many cases it seems so needless if they pose no danger. 

I agree with @Appleblossom - that neighbour should have bought somewhere else if he didn't like the garden! Presumably all the other owners like the garden!

[Dimity]

@Appleblossomthe chatty one has toned down the expletives but presses other buttons. Your openness with your people is very special. 

I made an effort today and didn't achieve hugely, but moved forward in house and garden. For a while I was in the habit of indulging in some reflection/contemplation on Sundays - today I feel I need to get back to setting aside that restorative time. I'm anticipating a difficult week, with more to come, with much to negotiate re supporting my sister. 

I hope you soon feel up to reclaiming your socialising thread, the froth and bubble subsiding having taken their course. Don't lose the good in it. Forgive me for being unsubtle...

I just remembered For the God Who Sings on ABC FM. It's ages since I listened... 

[Dimity]

@NatureLover I agree re trees. We have a large tree some wished to fell but thankfully the arborist recommended retaining it.

Yes I remember your purple plant. Did the cuttings strike? I think you said someone offered you salvias. I just trimmed my blue salvia. I haven't planted my new red one yet.