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[tyme]

I'm wondering if that is part of the vicious cycle of thinking. You 'want' to wash it off, yet you can't, and hence you feel like you aren't good enough? 

I wonder if the work is more around radical acceptance? To accept (not condone) the things that we cannot change as a way of moving forward @creative_writer ?

You deserve to give yourself a break.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it’s hard to accept because I feel like I’ve brought shame onto myself and family from a societal point of view. I fear nobody will see me as whole anymore and fear nobody will love me as I am. I’ve lost what I was meant to guard

[Jynx]

@creative_writer hey darlin, how's your Monday going thus far? 

Just been having a catch up on what's been going on for you - I'm with @tyme on this one, it reminds me of the quote, "You can't shame yourself into a version of yourself that you can love."

Could you maybe come up with a way of re-framing some of these thoughts to be more self-compassionate? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx do you know what hurt, my parents didn’t want to talk about it. I was left alone to deal with the pain. That is what made me feel like I failed as a daughter. I know in reality that’s not why they felt uncomfortable, they probably just didn’t know what to say or do. My brain for some reason rationalised it as my failing, I’m not sure how I came to that conclusion. I know on a rational level it makes no sense

[Jynx]

Oh wow @creative_writer that does actually contextualise a bunch. As you're probably aware, the likelihood of us developing PTSD or other Post-Traumatic Stress impacts is directly related to how we're supported in the acute aftermath. As you say, it is likely that your parents were too overwhelmed/didn't know what to say, and that isn't their fault (though, even just saying 'I don't know what to say or do' is better than silence, but that can be its own issue if folks have insecurities about admitting this), and I can't imagine they ever meant to hurt you. But it can also be true that they have let you down, stymied your healing process, and created the circumstances of shame in which your panicked, traumatised brain needed to rationalise, leading you to the conclusion that it is your fault. 

Does this resonate? And I suppose more food for thought, how might you have a conversation with this wounded, ashamed part of yourself, perhaps to give it the nurturance and compassion that your parents failed to provide?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think that’s what happened. I know it was not their intention, but it’s hard when you’re dealing with so much pain on your own. It probably also triggered trauma of growing up having my emotions invalidated.

I know some people picture the younger versions of themselves and comforting that younger version. Maybe something like that would work, I’ve never been good at self talk.

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah for sure. I can almost picture like this thought of... "Maybe now, after this most horrific thing has happened to me, maybe they will finally give a crap about my emotions." And then... 

Yeah, please hun, give yourself a break!! Being let down so thoroughly by your primary caregivers like that is bound to leave a mark. 

Self-talk is tough! Especially at first - for me it always created this deep sense of discomfort, and my brain would be yelling at me like 'this is so LAME, this won't work, it's pointless, it's dumb, it's not true' blah blah blah. For me the big turning point was actually doing my positive self-talk and affirmations OUT LOUD. Like that part was absolutely fundamental - because our words have power! Honeslty, I try to treat them almost like magic - because they're powerful agents of change that need to be used responsibly. 

I'm sure I could rustle up some research that supports this idea of the benefits of saying stuff out loud. If I was to theorise for myself, I'd say it's because of the fact that we're inherently sensory creatures, very sensitive to our environments. Just trying to think positively means the positive thoughts are competing with the negative ones on an even field, so to speak, and so they all feel equally true and important. But saying it out loud means we're physically embodying the words - we feel them in our throat, we hear them in our ears, and we're actively participating in the process. It makes it real, and gives it power over what the mental thoughts might have to say. 

Practice, practice, practice!! It's a skill 😉 You could try something really small, right now if you like. Like, "It's okay for me to be feeling this way and it's okay I haven't got it all figured out yet." It's one of those things that like, may not necessarily feel impactful at first. But perhaps you can slowly build up to be able to one day say to yourself something like, "What happened wasn't my fault. I don't need to be ashamed of myself for not coping with a truly horrible experience". And more to the point, you will believe it.

Phew, okay, big rambles today! Thanks for reading my wall o text 😅💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it was a disappointment, but it’s not really their fault emotional regulation wasn’t taught to them. In fact, my mum’s older brothers used to make fun of her for crying.

I honestly think it’ll be easier to talk to the small me than the older me. It’s easier to be more gentle with little ones. I can confidentially say if I travelled back to time to see the baby me, I would act differently towards the baby me than I do with the older me. We all act instinctly different with babies. I was thinking the other day of how kitties remind me of babies, their meows, their big eyes and tantrums.

But anyhoo, we all have a child within us, the vulnerable child surfaces at times.

[Jynx]

@creative_writer 100%, can be a bit harder to bring that same nurturing energy to your adult self... but in my experience it feels just as nice to be reassured gently and have my pain soothed as an adult as it was as a child. In fact I hate that so much of what is good for us is considered 'childish', like being playful, silly, curious... ach, I gotta stop or I'll go on another rant. I gotta go! But if you would like to hear that rant let me know and maybe I can unleash it tomorrow haha. 

Thanks for chats darlin, for your vulnerability and trust. Have a gentle, restful night 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think as human we are drawn to children and infants and instinctively want to protect them. We see them as innocent. If I look back to myself when I was tinny I see an innocent girl. When I look at myself now, I see the good and bad, I don’t see innocence. We all do have to grow up one day.

I hope you were able to rest up last night 💖. I went to bed quite early, I do get up for placement early in the morning