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Something’s not right

Sirihawi
Casual Contributor

Sexless/passionless marriage....

 

Am I wrong to accept that there is no passion in our marriage (almost 12 years married together 16). Rewind a little, for the past 10 years my husband has had little to no sex drive. Basically he can go without unless I initiate it and even then sometimes turns it down then. Our expectation of sex is very different. I used to like it a lot for what it did to us as a couple but over the years and suffering mental illness (currently diagnosed with Bipolar 2) I guess I have just taken on board or sucked it up that we don’t have sex very often. Problem is when we do, there is no kissing next to no passion and his favourite position has me facing away from him anyway. So its just sex because we should have sex because we are married. Never once in our entire marriage has he snuck home in the day (he works at home!!) and suggested we head off for a quickie!! Sex just means nothing to him. I have argued that he has not been attracted to me sexually for many years (he disagrees even after marriage counselling and me telling him numerous times he has to show it) For example, I could be laying naked on the bed and he would come into the room, ignore it and watch tv, play with his phone, go shower etc. I have always taken pride in my appearance, what I wear, hair etc. He on the other hand believes that it is ok that he only gets his haircut maybe once every 6 months, that’s not because of the style, that’s because he dosent care how he looks. He hates wearing nice clothes and if it wasn’t for me updating his wardrobe from time to time he would be happy wearing crap from the 90’s!!! All seems very superficial for me to suggest those things as a problem, but im finding without the passion or any sexual chemistry in our marriage I find him unattractive on a whole and without any of those superficial things I just cant even fake it anymore. Last week I came home after a big race meeting, I was out with friends, drinking and having a ball, honestly there were men everywhere I was attracted to and they were literally hitting on me, no way I would cheat but I thought I would come home to my husband to take my desires out on him. I waited until the next morning as I dont want to be the annoying drunk wife. He completely ignored it all, got out of bed and had a shower. I feel like this is the last straw and have been sleeping on the couch ever since (almost 2 weeks now!!) There is honestly so much more to this story than this part so please don’t judge on the superficial parts but you would need a day to read the whole story! We have 4 kids together and as much as I would love to leave, I just don’t think I could cope with that either. 

 

I suffer from Bipolar 2 (recently diagnosed) and the last 6 months has been the hardest of my life, changing medications to what im currently on which is making my anger levels rise more than ever and I feel totally out of control of my emotions.  I just cant fugure out if all my anger causes these feelings or if the marriage issue causes my illness to flare up.  Its like the chicken or the egg! 

 

I definately have suicide idealisation, i constantly fantasise that if I just died not only would my problems be over but everyone else who has had to deal with me wouldnt have to go through my pain either.  I need to find a way to be happy again.  I just cant and its hurting me so much.

 

 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Sexless/passionless marriage....

Hi and welcome @Sirihawi Heart

Sigh...

I so feel for you right now Siri. I'd love to say I haven't experienced your problem but unfortunately I have. So much so that it exacerbated my mental health to the extreme and contributed to my eventual breakdown.

 

[He'd] sleep with his back to me in case he became aroused. 😢 (Being behind me was his fave too) It was still early days, so to be treated like that hurt terribly; he was the love of my life.

 

Now please don't take this the wrong way. I eventually found what the problem was, but it doesn't mean it's that way for you. I'm just telling my story so you don't feel alone.

 

There's something called the Madonna Syndrome. It's when a man sees his wife as his 'mother' instead of an intimate partner. It took a lot of talking and therapy to work this out as there was massive guilt and shame associated.

 

There were other problems as well; Asperger Syndrome which expressed itself as narcissism and whopping great lies, so it took me a few years to identify the real person he truly was. It hurt like buggery, but leaving him was the only way forward. (Just keep in mind, we didn't have children together ok)

 

He'd learned how to charm women into getting what he wanted which wasn't sex, it was money, the easy life and status. Feeling superior, for him was a big deal! In the beginning I interpreted this as confidence.

 

So I guess what I'm saying, is that looking back I did what you do; buy clothes, cut his hair, did his nails and generally took care of him and his home (yuk!) which is what I was taught. Unfortunately this was part of the problem.

 

Just because you're living together it doesn't mean you stop being 'womanly'. Playing hard to get, taking care of yourself, then going out with the girls all dolled up and coming home with a huge smile on your face, gets to men. When women change all of a sudden, men take notice whether they want to or not. It's part of their DNA; competition!

 

I won't write anymore as I'm spent. I hope my story's been helpful or at least interesting. It's not your fault or your responsibility to cure him. But it could be really nice to start 'living' for 'you' again.

Hope to hear from you soon;

Take care;

Hope x 👵 Heart

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