Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@NikNik you will watch over the ocean tonight won't you. I don't know how long this is going to go on for. I don't know how long I'm going to need you or whoever is moderating to check in and reassure me that you are there as I fall asleep in my shell. It's really ok? It's ok that I need this support right now? You don't think I'm a pathetic overly dependent borderline?

I'm so afraid and so confused. I so badly want help and I have tried my super hardest to find it. I don't know how to try again. And so for now I am choosing to stay with (A) because it feels safer to have someone (even someone who is doing harm) than to have no one. How can I possibly be in this muddle again after all the effort of getting away from (F). The nature of the harm is different, but the theme of the story is exactly the same. I so very very badly want to feel safe.

Night @Zoe7, @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 and @NikNik. I can't see any of you because I am so far out to sea. But you can still see me can't you. You're still there.

[Shaz51]

I can see you @Phoenix_Rising xx

[NikNik]

@Phoenix_Rising there is no way in the world that you're being pathetic what so ever.
We are just here and I can hear you. We will keep an eye on things & you're safe here tonight.

[TheVorticon]

I really like how clear you are about the type of support you need @Phoenix_Rising . I'm also confused as to why professionals haven't been good at addressing it... But the way you communicate what you need is actually something I admire.

Sending a lego ship out to sea to keep a good eye on any wave-riding turtles.

[CheerBear]

Hey @Phoenix_Rising. I'm coming past this morning just to remind you that I too am someone who is here, swimming alongside you in your super rocky ocean at the moment. I'm thinking of you often, hoping so much that you'll be able to find your way through these waves that I'm sure you're getting tired of riding, soon. This mega storm is not fair and you don't deserve it. I am here even when I'm not, and will be alongside you with the others until it passes or changes.

[Former-Member]

hope that the waves are less strong for you today @Phoenix_RisingI think that therapists are kind of similar to my experience of teachers, there are good teachers and.... not as good ones... almost all teachers SAY the right things about basic beliefs/ideas about kids and learning but not all teachers are able to consistently 'show' or 'do' or show those beliefs in anything that they do! . Perhaps its the implicit values coming out of some of the therapists you've seen, or their skills are not matching where they'd like to be/believe they are at. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you everyone for being nearby. It super helps. @Shaz51 you must be up a very tall tree to be able to see me all the way out here in the middle of the ocean.

@TheVorticon I super love the fact that you sent a lego ship out onto the ocean to keep an eye out for me. I really appreciate your very caring gestures.

@Former-Member I believe you are right in what you said, about therapists saying the "right" things, but then their implicit beliefs and values coming through. I am getting the very strong sense that even though (A) genuinely cares, she isn't so great on the whole empathy thing. That is, she can't step into my world and truly "get" the trauma stuff. For example, she asked me the other day why I can't advocate for myself...and then was bewildered when I went into crisis mode with a thousand flashbacks of being dragged out of my house by police, getting locked in seclusion etc etc. Even though she knows intellectually that I've had these experiences, she doesn't seem to truly get what it is like.

@CheerBear Super big thank you for dropping by. I'm having trouble getting anywhere at the moment, even to your nest. I'm so very pleased things are brighter for you. I super wish you lived around the corner. I super wish we could be real live not-friends.

I am so very VERY grateful for the forums. Right now this forum is keeping me alive more than anything else is. I feel so alone and so afraid. You have no idea how much it means to me to know you guys are here. I know I can be prickly and probably difficult to support in some ways because I don't actually want to talk...which makes online communication tricky. But I SUPER appreciate the gifts that people leave along the shore like the teddy bear that @Faith-and-Hope left. Last night when I was lying awake, I pictured all my gifts, the lighthouse, @TheVorticon's boat etc and it really helped me to feel calm. I can see that I am a bit different to some others, who seem to value conversation, practical suggestions, distraction etc. I simply need to know there is someone with me. I simply need to know that I am not totally alone, because the truth is that here in the real world I AM utterly alone. Thank you for understanding me.

Ok, well I'm going to snuggle into my shell now for another night on this stormy ocean. @Former-Member can you please just check in and let me know that you will be watching over the ocean as I fall asleep in my shell. Night.

[Shaz51]

 @Shaz51 you must be up a very tall tree to be able to see me all the way out here in the middle of the ocean. ---- sure am @Phoenix_Rising 

with you my friend

[outlander]

hugs @Phoenix_Rising sitting with you

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising thinking of you little turtle but can't sit on my rock stack tonight - sorry - going under water myself