Riding a wave

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Phoenix_Rising ..... 💜💕

[CheerBear]

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising.

You're probably on your way to see A, or just about to walk in. I'm thinking of you and sitting with a TT at the moment. I'm hoping so much that A can 'get' it soon. When you mentioned A working on behaviour but not cause, I can't empathise more with what that may be like for you. So many helping people, when they are working with people who have successfully survived years and years of coping with big feelings and their behavioural responses, seem to do too much of that. They forget that people like us have already addressed the effects as much as we can, but get stuck on the cause. There's few coping skills or strategies that someone with your kind of lived experience, self-awareness, insight and resourcefulness hasn't already tried or doesn't already know about. It is not a lack of skills to manage behaviour that is the issue, you and I both know that. Treating symptoms of trauma and trauma responses helps to a degree, but it doesn't fix the cause. What you're saying makes so much sense. It's part of why I am so reluctant to engage with helping people I don't know and why I can understand how exhausting it might be to think of beginning with another therapist. I can see why A seems like the best option for you right now, even if it doesn't seem to be helping.

I've had The Body Keeps the Score on my wishlist for ages. I'm not surprised that you know this book and that you've found it awesome. If you do pick up a copy from the library I would love to read it with you. I loved reading Peter Levine and Pat Ogden too, and Bessel Van Der Kolk mentions them as being his friends. I'm not sure whether you've read their stuff too (I wouldn't be surprised if you have) but if you're at the library and you see their books, I have some in my digital library and would always be up for reading them again, especially with someone like you.

I can understand why you're anxious about this morning. Phoenix_rising I don't think you're stupid to think your brain can be fixed. I get why you might feel overwhelmed, or hopeless, or scared though. I understand how incredibly painful it can feel to be triggered and how much it can be very difficult to understand your brain so well but not be able to 'fix' it. Having this kind of knowledge can be so empowering but it can also add a layer of incredible frustration and despair when knowing doesn't seem enough. I'm right here with you on this too.

As always, I don't expect you to reply to any of my long posts. You mentioned a few posts ago how it may seem difficult for people to support you here as you think sometimes you can be 'prickly' and I know you don't need or want to talk and talk things through all the time. Here you are safe to be 'prickly', or to not respond to posts, or to reply in essays to posts, or say what's helpful and what's not if you want. Here it is ok to do and say whatever feels right for you. I'll be sitting here in this ocean with you, as lots of other wave riding forumites will be too.

Will be thinking of you lots this morning and throughout the day, not-friend. I will swim alongside you while you work your way through this mega storm.

[outlander]

@Phoenix_Rising 💪 💕💕

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi all,

@Faith-and-Hope I super super super SUPER love that you sent a teddy bear out on a boat to me.

@outlander @Shaz51 Thank you for visting me on the waves.

@CheerBear Super gigantic thank you for your comments. What you have said is SO super validating. Thank you for "getting" it. I am SO OVER all the suggestions regarding distraction, self-soothing, etc. As you aluded to, I know that stuff inside out and back-to-front. It seems to me that for most psychologists out there, "therapy" has been dumbed down to just teaching those skills. The skills are important - SUPER important - BUT THEY DON'T FIX ANYTHING. They keep the person alive long enough to do the fixing, but in and of themselves, they don't HEAL TRAUMA. I have been very clear with all ten therapists I've seen since January 2016, that I know this stuff, what I want to do now is HEAL my brain. It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a brighter note, my session with (A) went well today. It super helped that I'd made all my cards re. triggers etc. I didn't end up needing them. I think having them there helped me to feel calmer, which in turn meant I didn't lose my words. I will definitely be taking them along each week.

I spent the entire session curled up under a blanket on the couch, with (A) resting her hand on my back. I find that super calming. The scene would probably look quite Freudian when I think about it. (A) sits in her office chair at the end of the couch where my head is, but she doesn't sit beside me so that I can see her, she sits behind the end of the couch, if that makes sense. Occassionally she moved away to write some notes or something and I super struggled when she took her hand away. Every time she put it back, I could feel the oxytocin flowing through my brain, calming it down.

I feel like I'm basically teaching her how to treat complex trauma. That sucks!!!!! But the fact that she takes what I say on board and is flexible in adjusting her approach based on what I say, is a gigantic plus. I truly think I am safer staying than sacking her...I just need to survive while she gets the hang of...well...doing the job she is getting paid to do! Being tanked up on the highly addictive drug that I can only safely take for a week definitely helped.

Anyway, so all in all, I am feeling calmer now. Oh, I just remembered something else I wanted to share with everyone. You know my whole saga with the neurofeedback psychologist? Well last week my GP gave me a copy of the letter that the psychologist had sent to her. It says a whole lot of icky stuff about how terribly screwed up I am and how I need an entire team of mental health professionals to help me "in an environment more suitable to assist her" (whatever the hell that means!!!!) and then it says this: I have spoken to Phoenix_Rising's counselling psychologist, (A) who agreed that this is appropriate. Well here's the thing, when I asked (A) about it today, she said that nope, (S) had never spoken with her. (A) said that she too was extremely surprised by that line in the letter, which (S) had sent to her as well as to my GP. So...it seems that (S) is quite ok with blatently lying in a report to my GP. I have already drafted a letter of complaint to ATAPS (who were funding the sessions) and I was just waiting to hear what was said in this referral letter before finalizing my complaint. I feel extremely validated that even though the rest of my complaint will be her word against mine, I now have a tangible piece of evidence that (A) is willing to back me up on, to show that in this regard at least, (S) has acted unethically. I hope that having tangible evidence that she is willing to lie in a report, will go some way to supporting my other claims of negligence.

Is it really any wonder that I am so terrified of the helping people? I mean, who DOES that? Who blatently lies in a report like that? However, on the bright side, it gives me something tangible to point to, in raising questions about her capacity to practice ethically.

Ok, well I'm going to go and try to get through another two of these uni assignments that I'm marking. Thank you for riding the waves with me. @Former-Member are you around for a tiny turtle hug today? It is kind-of odd isn't it. I super like @Former-Member, @NikNik @CherryBomb, but they haven't made it onto my safe touching list. I guess you are just the special chosen one @Former-Member...either that or I've developed a pathological borderline attachment to you.

[Shaz51]

good morning @Phoenix_Rising 

[outlander]

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising
Good luck with your assignments today
Just chilling on the rocks for you 💕💕

[Former-Member]

I am so glad your sesson went well today @Phoenix_Rising that is great you were able to find some ways of being calm that worked for you, excellent news as that is not easy to do. It does suck you are teaching A, but probably more helpful as those are ways that work for you and A is being quite flexible which is a positive thing 🙂

That sounds so annoying about the neurofeedback psych, glad you are taking that further!

P.s.

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Phoenix_Rising ..... 🐢💜💕

[Phoenix_Rising]

Awwwww @Former-Member, the HUG is supposed to be tiny, not the TURTLE!

I have to say though, that is pretty much what I look like as I gear myself up to make the complaint to ATAPS re. the neurofeedback psychologist. This little turtle has been hurt by one too many helping people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!