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Something’s not right

Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

Letting the person you love go.

I am still not sure if I am still in love with her, love her or I am no longer in love with her. Grief is hard. Even harder when you are very confused. We are no longer together. This was no ordinary relationship either. Some may not believe in this and that is fine, however, I know what happened and it did happen. It was deeply "spiritual" for want of a better word. Things happened when we met, things that I couldnt explain and neither could she. It was a very heightened experience a lot of the time. 

It is too fresh and too raw for me to make sense of anything really. I know the universe had something to do with this. I do not let it rule me, however when one experiences what I did, you cannot just forget that it happened. We met in November 2019. I do not want to go into the full story of it. We became an item a few days after Christmas 2019. I asked her to be my partner. Hindisght is always 2020. It is really hard when you experience odd things and a strong desire to truly want to be with that person. I still need to look back and process things. 

It was around May 2020 that I suppose things started to go downhill. It did not get any better. It just kept getting worse. Not for lack of trying on my part. I did a heck of a lot to keep our relationship going. It is just that I was doing most of the work to keep it going. We did seperate a few times, but I kept wanting to give it another chance. Until I ran out of chances, I ran pretty much out of everything. There has been a lot of damage caused to me. 

I know I am speaking like I was the perfect one in the relationship and she was the one that messed it all up. I am trying to assess what I did wrong and where I went wrong. Towards the end the relationship had become so toxic and I suppose abusive on her end that there was no choice to really end it and go our separate ways. I still feel every single emotion there is to feel. Anger, unbelievable pain, sadness. I also feel lost, confused, at times like I do not want to be here anymore, many things I do not understand that I do not have answers to. How can someone just leave and not say anything? That really does baffle me. I know that it has been done to others, people have experienced this, I just can't get my head around it. 

There is also no point reaching out for anything. Im still so messed up, torn, deeply hurt, tired and I just cannot allow her to cause me any more paib and hurt. There is so much I wanted to say to her. Up until about a month ago, I no longer spoke the things I would have liked to say. As time had worn on there were longer and longer periods of avoiding me, silence, like I wasn't here. It was excruciatingly painful to know there was nothing I could do anymore. I had done everything possible. 

If I did talk, most times I would not be answered. It would just go ignored. There were many things that occuirred over time that made me go quiet that I barely spoke at all as time wore on. That was hard. Because it happened over an extended amount of time, I have noticed, I do not have a real desire to get deep with anyone or talk too much. I allowed myself to go very deep with her, I think deeper than I have ever been with anyone my entire life. The damage that was inflicted by her choices had serious conseuquences for me. I am working on not reaching out to her at all. 

The pain of being treated that way in this experience specifically is not one I can actually find appropriate words for. I also find it hard to talk, because some people minimise my experience and feelings that I talk about. It makes me shut down immediately. I am a smart person. I also cannot always figure everything out on my own. I do read articles but there is so much dumb stuff online these days, that it is hard to sift through and find something worth reading to help me. I also just do not have the headspace to do it or the energy because I have so miuch on my mind that I have to work on remembering. Things that I need to do, decisions that need to be made. With all my feelings and emotions, it is very hard to do. I wish I owned a car. I would pack it up and just go ona road trip by myself and come back when I felt like it. 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Letting the person you love go.

Thinking of you @Powderfinger ...... 

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