I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It is so confusing and I’m really starting to struggle with it. But I do feel like I have diminished cognitive function in general. @tyme. that’s something I haven’t admitted to anyone. 

Id struggle with that little sleep. It would send me manic! I’m glad you are getting up early to stop the reverse cycle. Maybe is the ADD that keeps you going. Maybe that’s why you are bouncing off the walls. I would probably be too but for a different reason! Maybe I should try it 😜 

The days are starting to get longer! 

There is too many hours in a day. Well too many awake hours. When I was feeling ok it was different. 

I hope the preso goes well for you tomorrow and it doesn’t take too long tonight so you can get some sleep. 

[Captain24]

I’ve been on the go all morning but haven’t really accomplished anything. The kitchen and ensuite are cleaned but the floors aren’t done. The ironing is done except for my work clothes. The bed linen is changed and washing. It is annoying me that nothing is finished. But now I’m about to visit nans husband for his birthday. I don’t want to. For him it’s like Nan never existed. It hurts. I hate visiting because nans not here. I miss her and visiting the house is so hard and it makes me really upset. I’m sitting outside trying to will myself to go in. I’m almost in tears but I have to be happy to see him. I do love him but it’s just so hard. 

[rav3n]

aww no that sounds tough, and you're absolutely allowed to feel conflicted @Captain24, sometimes we can love someone but still be hurt by their actions. do you have to stay there for long? are there some spots you can escape to when it gets too much (like a bathroom, back yard, etc). 

sending you gentle hugs 💙

[Captain24]

T/W death

I’m home now. @rav3n. It was tough. I had to pretend to be happy. It was good to see him though and he was excited to see me so I feel bad. 

Now I have to try and get the rest of my things done but I’m feeling really sad and kinda grieving again. I grieved her before she passed as she had dementia and we basically lost her before she passed. I was with her the night she died. I watched her go. It’s something I’ll never forget. I’m glad I was with her though. I was her favourite grand child. She remembered me most of the way through. 

Im so sorry. 

[rav3n]

you made it through @Captain24 it was hard and you made it home.

sounds like your nan shared a special bond with you, and that you meant a lot to her. it must've been really hard losing her to dementia and then again when she actually passed. you don't have to apologise for sharing, it's clear that she means a lot to you too. would it help to take a moment before you get back to your list to process some of that grief? 

[Captain24]

I do need a moment or two @rav3n. We were close. Here dementia had been deteriorating when I bought my block of land but she always remembered it. She also remembered the estate that I brought in. Locals say it a different way to how they say it now and she always said it the old way. That meant something. 

She would be reliving the past but she knew I was current and would ask me where the boys are. They were her sons. She told the nurses at the hospital that i was her beautiful granddaughter. When she was at home and did a runner I would be the one that could bring her back home or get her back inside. The nurses were trying to give her her medication one time when I visited. She wouldn’t take it. Mum said to give it to me, the nurse just looked at me thinking it wouldn’t work. She took it. She wouldn’t have done it for mum, only me. 

Sorry I just feel the need to talk about her

[Captain24]

When I was a child I used to ride my bike around to her house and spend the afternoon with her. She taught me how to string beans. I went in the garden with her. We did lots together. She is the reason that I eat crystallised ginger. She use to keep it in the top cupboard and it was a treat when I went around. I spent so much time with her. Then she married her husband and they moved to Nambucca Heads. I was up that way and called in to visit. They were so excited to see me. When they moved back I still lived away but every time I came home I went out to the farm to see them. So many memories 

[Captain24]

So sad. 

[Captain24]

Watching a tv show with alzheimers in it. Just crying. 

Im sorry I'm boring you with all this but I have nowhere else to turn

[Captain24]

Don’t worry I won’t bore anyone anymore 

Im going