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02 Feb 2015 02:57 PM
02 Feb 2015 02:57 PM
02 Feb 2015 06:07 PM
02 Feb 2015 06:07 PM
Hi @PeppiPatty
i don't really like writing it, but i prefer to refer to suicide/suicidal thoughts etc as "s"
i am not to sure why, but it is just me lol
05 Feb 2015 11:49 AM
05 Feb 2015 11:49 AM
You are allowed to get lost in yourself, i get lost in my self all the time
Thank you for sending me some good feelings, i am starting to feel myself again today, i have an appointment today with my psychologist, so we will have a nice chat over this that and the other, i am hoping it all goes well.
i will update possibly tonight, or tomorrow, see how i feel later.
thank you
05 Feb 2015 06:47 PM - edited 05 Feb 2015 08:02 PM
05 Feb 2015 06:47 PM - edited 05 Feb 2015 08:02 PM
Weeeeeeeeeeeee
LOL, i am feeling great today.... well by great i mean a tad bit manic, ranging around a 7.5 to 8 on the scale, Thank fully i saw my psychologist today, and bless her, she copped the fast talking ideas person that i am, first time for everything LOL
ahhhh bless her she didn't blink an eye just went with it, calmly helping me to address why my thoughts/mood have spiked, and i realise now that, due to seeing the psychiatrist the other day,, the news bummed me out a little, but now that i have processed it, i am ok with what was discussed, i understand about taking the meds for ever...... lol and the fact of needing psychiatric assistance throughout the following many years, is not a hindrence or weakness it is a blessing, to know that i will have the care needed to help me maintain, my health and wellbeing.
also we covered some of my timeline of my life, where the clues and reality of my mental illness, and how long i have actually had it for, many many years i believe, then we also covered my least favorite topic, how my self medicating with drugs, has caused so many issues, and the fact which is difficult for me to realise, is that i can't regress and use drugs again, i know it will sound ridiculous to some, but all my life has been using this or that drug, i am going to need to work on not needing that or relying on them to get me through tough times, or even to use when i am feeling in a good place.
i am 5 months clean, the longest i have been in more then 10 years, i am happy about that fact.
I know in the coming future, possibly days, weeks, months, years i will have times of struggle where the want or feel the need to use drugs will come back, and possibly will be strong, stronger then i am, but i know with time i will learn better ways to help me cope with my issues, and to lessen the need to use.
I am editing this post because, in my current state, i just realised something..... this manic state, currently, is similar to when i would get high on drugs, very similar actually, i have never had the clarity of mind/self to realise, or i had forgotten, i am making a note of this in my journal so i don't forget and will use this information to help me get better.
all in all i am quite manic, so i thought i would empty my head for the day LOL
Hope everyone else is having a good day
Thank you
06 Feb 2015 07:39 PM
06 Feb 2015 07:39 PM
what have i done.
I am flying high in my mood tonight,
reaching out and getting knocked about,
all was well, everything was great
until the argument, which was fate
my dad and i didn't see eye to eye
we cursed and we cussed and fired up
i went for a smoke, he went for a walk
my mum was stuck caught in the guts
i spoke with her and opened up a bit
my dad was gone for quite a long while
nervous and scared what had i done
we decided to walk to find him and get him home
thankfully just outside the door, we found him returning
out of breath and wheezing quite bad
we took him inside and made sure he was ok
why did i argue, why was i so mean
i hope that he forgives me for causing his pain
07 Feb 2015 02:05 AM
07 Feb 2015 02:05 AM
07 Feb 2015 09:12 AM
07 Feb 2015 09:12 AM
Hey @kato ,
Please remember it takes two to argue. I don't know what you argued over and I hear your distress, but you are both responsible. Your dad is responsible for choosing to push his physical health too far in his anger. Please do not beat yourself up. I hope you are both ok.
Take care of you my friend, your increasing insight is so inspriring.
Kindest regards,
Kristin
07 Feb 2015 11:46 AM
07 Feb 2015 11:46 AM
07 Feb 2015 06:48 PM
07 Feb 2015 06:48 PM
07 Feb 2015 07:15 PM
07 Feb 2015 07:15 PM
@peace @kristin @PeppiPatty and anyone else i might have missed
Thank you all for your messages, everything is sorted out regarding the argument, i just let myself venture in the wrong direction without realising the rudeness i was using, My dad is all good, mum, dad and i went to the movies this afternoon and then we got pizza for dinner. All is well.
Peace you are right, i made and make mistakes when i am high or hyped as i refer to it, I thought it would only occur when i am low, but it is the opposite, and i realized last night, that if he had continued the argument as my ex used to it would have only gotten alot worse, i am thankful he backed down, just as i was backing down as well, otherwise i dread the thought of me getting worse.
Anne, Thank you for your support and i am glad that my insight has helped you to share about yourself,
I think the forums have been a great thing to help us all see deeper perspectives of things, i know it has been for me, It's interesting how you speak of "masters" in your life being the negative or people not good for you, perhaps what you are seeing is that, you are stronger then those you think are stronger then you.
Kristin thank you also for your kind and caring words, i know it is not my fault and i can't blame myself for his actions, but i just felt bad about it, i am good now, their are no cracks in our friendship of father and son.
But peraps i need to realise that when i am struggling with being hyped i need to be more aware of my thoughts and mood instability, to help me monitor and maintain a healthy outlook on things.
Thank you all again for your words
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