Dear @Exoplanet
I can feel some of the darkness that is presently descending on you from your expression of how you are feeling.
Worn out, drained and lacking energy after dealing with far too much for far too long.
I do know that many families all over the world have members who for whatever reason are not able to support others.
Some of those reasons are selfishness; some are not being capable of understanding; others feel that they have their own issues and cannot deal with anything else;some totally unaware how much they are hurting another; some in denial.
I have suffered with major depression, or whatever the latest label is on and off for the greater part of my life. I have dissociated, degeneralised, d.......whatever.
That does not mean that I know exactly how you feel at this time. As you so aptly wrote about different individuals with differences, as well as different experiences.
I do know that looming, lurking feeling of darkness. I can now recognise it in the background when it is circling me.
I also know the strong urge to push everyone away.
I also know the self action of internalising those feelings, turning them inward, turning against myself. The why, the inevitable feeling of it has to be me. There is something wrong with me.
The battle without and within.
I know of isolating as have done on and off for decades. The feeling of being so indespicable therefore having to hide, curl up in a ball and go within myself.
I understand your feeling of being so tired of feeling hurt and dismissed by others.
I understand your loss of energy that has been used to fight the pain and darkness.
A private part of me:
Part of my long term pain is the feeling so often that others who have or still are important to me have been wanting to punish me. My anguish at this..my question why . Others project feelings that they don't want themselves into me. They know that I will take away some of their pain for them. That is what I do. They try to give me their pain as they cannot deal with their own pain. This has become a pattern within our relationship, within my family since being a little girl. This is an automatic process within them. They are not aware, in fact most likely are totally oblivious to how they are hurting me. They might feel guilty at a later time once away from the situation. They still however, cannot admit to me this as this would mean admitting to themselves that they have their own issues which they do not acknowledge. Therefore in their eyes it is once again me who is different, yet again being difficult, too hard to deal with.
The circle continues.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me know that your are honoured to be my special friend.
This is where we are similar,as in we both are more familiar with not being accepted for our differences.
Exoplanet you do not have to protect me even though I understand why you are wanting to express this. I do not need protecting from you as I trust you because you are a beautiful soul who has touched my heart.
I do not want to think of you having to deal with this darkness, on your own.
I am not going to try and give you advice though.
I am going to give you my love and open my arms to hold you. I will not let go. I have you.
For as tall as the trees are, as deep as the water is, as vast as the sky is, as spectacular are the clouds, as incredible as the animals are, you are still real.
Rest now in my arms,
The darkness does not own you, it will pass.
Stay close.
As you cuddle your fur babies, know that I am present with you.
You will never hurt me @Exoplanet it is not within you, it is not who you are my special friend
love Sophia ?
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