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24 May 2018 06:38 PM
24 May 2018 06:38 PM
And I texted Andrew last night saying I felt so vulnerable and exposed and stressed and scared and just felt like running away from all this redundancy stuff. And because I was feeling like this, my self confidence took a huge nose-dive and I was questioning myself and my abilities. I also started doubting Andrew. The inner voices were arguing about why or why not I ought to trust him.
Andrew phoned me this afternoon and during our conversation reiterated he had my back and that everything was going to be alright in relation to what's going on at work.
Trying to be patient until the last day......
24 May 2018 09:57 PM
24 May 2018 09:57 PM
24 May 2018 10:21 PM
24 May 2018 10:21 PM
I thought that I had found a worthwhile organisation offering support for those with mental health..
The website spoke of helping people work in an organic garden..
assist in preparing meals..
helping people with huge struggles to feel that they belonged..
I was going to write about in on the research feedback side on here..
the more I looked into it..it sounded too good to be true..
I had to basically read all sections to find out that it comes at a cost..
no mention of amounts ..just comparisons with private hospitals...stating far cheaper..
so most people struggling with huge and or long time mental health do not have that spare cash ..
I am left feeling angry and feel insulted by the site now..
something else for me to feel annoyed about..
I should be happy....the meteorite storms have subsided for awhile..
25 May 2018 02:23 AM
25 May 2018 02:23 AM
25 May 2018 03:45 AM
25 May 2018 03:45 AM
I worry about things I can't speak about even here, for fear of consequences too horrible to imagine. And yet imagine them I do. I can barely stand five minutes at a time without indulging in some vice or death-driven indulgence. Sometimes there is respite from this, when engaging with other people, with the outside world. But too often I live inside, watching the sun, hearing the birds, from within a dark shelter. I am drawn to matters the colour of night. I live in sin and revel in it, at the same time as beating myself up for not being a good person. Even though I know I'm not a bad person. Just a human.
26 May 2018 09:46 PM
26 May 2018 09:46 PM
I just had a new screen pop up about a certificate of compliance?
26 May 2018 10:12 PM
26 May 2018 10:12 PM
26 May 2018 11:05 PM
26 May 2018 11:05 PM
Where do I go when I am below ground level and still feel like I am free falling?. Trillions of thoughts raging inside my head, but frozen in expressing any. I feel like I've given up.
27 May 2018 12:04 AM
27 May 2018 12:04 AM
27 May 2018 07:12 PM
27 May 2018 07:12 PM
This is exactly what I feared might happen with social media-that these fears may come true. I don't know why my family associate with this fkn sorry peice of shite. For all the harm they did, and they know it only too well. There is no escape even now. I have tried for many years to block the memories, but they flood back at the most unexpected times. And they never fade, just like the hurt, the betrayal, the lies they told, the grooming- it never fades. And I fell for it all. Now I pay the heavy price and I am shackled with this for the rest of my life, while they continue to live without guilt or remorse. I feel revolted and sick. I want absolutely nothing to do with them, and I will disown any family members if they lead them to my door or give them any of my contact details. I just hope they die soon.
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