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downandout
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Struggling to believe in humanity again

I was told this could be good for me to process my pain and I am willing to do anything to not feel like this so here I go.

 

The short version is the woman I was going to propose to came home one afternoon to the apartment we shared, packed all her things into her suitcases without saying a word while I watched mortified and distraught. When she left, she stuck a note on the fridge that said I was worthless and I had to sort my life out myself and if I needed help, call these suicide hotline numbers that she had listed. It was one of the most brutal and traumatic experiences of my life and I've been through a fair bit. It's been an excruciating 9 months, and after huge amounts of therapy, medications and a suicide attempt, I still feel very lost and trying my best to hold on. 

 

The longer version starts with me purchasing a bar in the Sydney CBD a few years back and thanks to the lovely lockouts and the mess that was the Sydney Light Rail, the bar I owned got worse and worse with each passing week. It was devastating going into work every single day and no matter how hard our team worked, we just couldn't turn it around so last year we joined the long list of CBD businesses that had to close down. It was heartbreaking. The staff I had were like family. We had very little staff turnover and the majority of them had worked with me for 3 years+ as I believed in treating them well, paying them right, and helping them in their personal lives.

 

Before all of this happened, I thought I had found a ray of light in 2017 when I met CL. It started off with a casual dinner and soon progressed to brunches and day trips to events around Sydney. Despite the intensity of my work, I specifically made time for her as she was the best part of my week when I saw her. 

 

She was softly spoken and intelligent which I admired greatly. She rarely made demands, never wanted anything besides my food (lol), hardly wore make-up and had a very natural beauty. She wasn’t the dress-up type or one to be too fancy. She was a simple girl and that made me fall for her more. She was from the Americas and in Australia to do a PHD with one of our universities doing research experiments in medical science but not long after we met, her university cancelled her PhD due to funding and resource problems that left her in an unfortunate place. She was stressed and sad about the prospects but I knew she was a smart woman that could achieve anything so I helped her redefine her career path and professional purpose and she started contacting other universities for other PhD programs. It was a difficult time but she ended up finding another program at the existing university with a new professor. 

 

As she was a PhD student with very little income, she lived in a shared bedroom in a shared apartment and she constantly expressed struggles living in a shared bedroom. The relationship with her roommate was deteriorating so I offered her a key and the option to move into my apartment as I lived by myself. We had been dating for a few months now and I just wanted the best for her and after trialling it out for a few weeks, she decided to move in. I was a typical bachelor so I had to sort my place out and fix and install a few things to make it more female-friendly but I wanted her to feel at home and have everything she needed. She had issues with her health, just minor things but they came up often so I would go get her medicine or food that she needed. I believe a gentleman should do that and look after his partner and I took on the typical masculine role of protector and carer. 

 

A very serious health issue came up which we didn’t know what it was so she had to go get a bunch of blood tests to try and figure it out. I asked several friends for good female GPs near us and we found a medical centre with a really good female GP. I still remember CL stressing out and I held her hands before she went in to see the GP for the first time and told her I would be here no matter what and we would get through this together. You take people for who they are, not who you wish them to be and you stood by them no matter what. Loyalty was a core principle of mine and the fact she was sick didn’t change who I had thought she was. We had to wait several weeks for the test results and this stressed her out so I constantly tried to distract her with activities and things she liked. When the tests came back, it turned out to be nowhere as bad as she had thought and the right medication was going to fix it which was a relief.

 

In the midst of all this, the bar was still falling apart and I was still going to work devastated by the result but I tried to separate that and not let that impact my relationship with CL. Despite my professional world crumbling around me, I actually had a positive outlook because I thought I had this beautiful, amazing, sweet woman in my life. When the business closed down, she had to go overseas for her PhD which was sad because I could have done with the support but at the same time, it was a blessing not to have her see me at the end of this hard and difficult journey and fussing over me. After the business closed down, it was really difficult. The economy was in decline and my experience despite running a bar was originally in professional services at an executive management level so there weren't many jobs around and the ones I applied for wanted something more specific and detailed. At the same time, I felt so burned out that I was enjoying being at home and recovering so I didn’t push it. We were financially stable and everyone told me to take the time to heal and recover instead of throwing myself in a job that could cause me stress so that’s what I did. Maybe I was too relaxed about this or I didn’t convey this to CL but she ended up seeing this as me not doing anything with my life and being a failure. 

 

One week before “the incident” as I call it, I had sat her down and opened up to her about everything. The pain of losing the business which for a long time was my identity, the devastation at letting go of all my staff, and my heartbreak at not being able to find another job despite sending over 50 customised job applications. I told her I felt I had failed her as a man and I wanted to look after and provide for her. I opened up about all my deepest fears and left myself completely vulnerability in a way I have never done with anyone else before. I loved her and trusted her. Her core principals were kindness, forgiveness and compassion so I felt she would understand if I told her how I felt. I asked her for her patience in this difficult time and told her I just needed time to heal and find my place in the world again. 

 

On Sunday she was at the beach with her best friend and she messaged me saying she missed me and wished I was here. I feel couples should have their own time so I wanted her to just spend it with her friends without me having to always be there. On Sunday night, she was tossing and turning in bed all night and in the morning, I asked her if she was alright. I was still half asleep but I was concerned and she said she was upset and couldn’t sleep because she felt I wasn’t doing anything with my life. I was shocked but was too sleepy to fully understand and process it so I said we can talk later. Throughout the day, I just remunerated on what she said. I bared my soul to her only a week ago and asked for some patience while I dealt with this and a week later she’s hitting me with this. As I dwelled on this more and more, I got more and more upset so I messaged her and told her I didn’t want to resent her but it felt like a punch in the guts and we should talk about it tonight. When she came home that night, I was upset and felt she didn’t value me so I told her if she could find a better place to live than she should. It was wrong of me to say that but I wanted her to think of how much I had always supported her and how good things were instead of seeing the negative. I thought I should cool off before we talked more so I went for a nap but when I woke up, she was gone. She left and went to sleep at her best friends place. The next day I told her to come home so we can talk but she refused. I was hurting and wanted to sort it out instead of letting it linger but she didn’t care and said she was staying with another one of her girlfriends that night. 

 

The next day, she came home and I asked her to sit down for a chat. She sat down for about 30 seconds while I tried to find my words and before I could say anything, she got up to get a glass of water. She didn’t come back to the couch and afterwards, she went to the bookshelf and started to put all her books into a bag. I asked her what she was doing. In my mind, if you need some space you go grab some clothes and toiletries but grabbing your books told me she had made up her mind to leave. She didn’t say a thing and kept packing. I was distraught so went into my room and slammed the door. I couldn’t believe someone that I had stood by for so long through so much would just leave. I came out 5 mins later and her best friend was there packing all her things with her. She was waiting in the hallway all along. They had suitcases ready and was busy packing all her things. My brain was just in a spiral. It felt like the world was speeding by and I was moving in slow motion. I told her I couldn’t stay here and watch her pack around me and to grab what she needed and we could arrange another time when I wasn’t home for her to grab the rest of her things. She rushed off and left 15mins later and left a note on the fridge. The note took my deepest fears that I had opened up to her about and she said I had become a failure who wasn’t doing anything with my life. That I had to sort it out myself as she couldn’t help and if I needed someone to talk to, to call these suicide hotline numbers which she then listed. I was absolutely distraught and had a panic attack afterwards that left me huddled in a corner in tears unable to move. I slept for about 18 hours afterwards as it was the only way to stop the pain.

 

Two days later I tried to call her and her phone was disconnected. She changed her number and didn’t want to talk to me. I emailed her and eventually got a response and I expressed to her how much I loved her and how we should talk and try to work it out. She kept criticizing me saying all the things I did from what I ate, to what I watched on tv and how her counsellor helped her see I was emotionally abusive and controlling. A few months ago, she had to pay her international health insurance as required by international students and she had trouble paying it with her international credit card to an insurance company that wasn’t in Australia. The transaction got declined and her credit card was suspended. She was stressing about not being able to pay it and if it lapsed, she would be in breach of her visa and could get kicked out of the country. We eventually sorted it out after I gave her my phone to make international calls to her bank and the insurance company but to avoid it happening again, I just put her down as an additional cardholder of one of my credit cards. I didn’t ask her for permission or talk to her about it. I understand that was wrong but I didn’t get her a credit card to try and control her. I knew she was very responsible with her money, never indulged or went on shopping sprees and she always paid me back for anything. I just said this is a back up if anything was to ever happen and she could just pay me back whenever. There was no bad intention besides to help support her and definitely not to control her. She had never said a single thing about it when I gave it to her. She didn’t tell me it upset her or that she didn't want it. She thanked me and said she would put it in her bedside drawer to use in an emergency. She also said the counsellor made her realise I was emotionally abusive because I would recall stories of things that happened in our relationship. She ate my food on several occasions and I told friends as a story of endearment and not to shame her or anything. She was a very skinny girl so it wasn’t like I was trying to fat-shame her. It was just a funny story of how I bought us 2 items and she ate both of them. Stories like that and she took it as me being emotionally abusive. I’m very self-reflective and let me just clarify that I am no saint. I have many flaws just like anyone else and I’m sure the devastation of losing my business reflected in my attitude but at no point have I ever done anything with bad intentions to CL. I loved her with all my heart and had been secretly driving an uber during the day while she was at uni for several weeks to make some money to buy an engagement ring. 

 

After the breakup, we exchanged several emails and had two or three phone conversations before she cut off all communication. Eventually, she just said she didn't want to talk to me anymore and stopped responding to all emails. Turned out her university counsellor had given her all this advice including for her to leave immediately on that Wednesday with all her things and to not talk to me and leave me a note telling me to talk to a suicide hotline for help. I can’t believe a counsellor could give such advice so I eventually rang the university counsel number to try and arrange an appointment with this counsellor to express my side of the story and I was told I can’t talk to her because the counselling service was only for students and staff. I called back a week later asking to remain anonymous to get an appointment but then her manager called me back. I wasn’t trying to hide who I was as I gave my real phone number and everything, just not my name so I could get an appointment but this manager was aggressive from the beginning. Even when I told her the advice that was given to CL, she just disregarded it and said that her counsellor would never say that. Then the real truth came out. CL had told the university I had gone to campus, stole a staff member’s ID badge, hacked into their email address, and was actively sending abusive emails to her colleagues to try and get her expelled from the university. The counselling manager told me that she had raised this with the Head of University Security and they had opened up an official investigation with NSW police. The news of a police investigation left me mortified and distraught all over again. I had done absolutely nothing to CL besides yell at her once when I was upset. I have in my life never hit her, swore at her in anger, never threatened her, never kept anything of hers, I didn’t stop her from leaving and even on that day she left, I didn’t even touch her as she was packing all her things. I was never drunk around her. Didn’t take drugs or gamble or anything. I worked and I spent time trying to build our relationship. This was a woman that I had loved so dearly and spent all my time trying to look after her and make sure our relationship that I valued so much was in a good place despite the other problems in my professional life. 

 

To this day, I still can’t comprehend how someone could do something so cruel. CL and I had talked about having kids in a few years, we had planned an overseas holiday, there just wasn’t any signs she was unhappy or had issues with me. If I had known, I would have listened and worked through them with her as we had worked through so many of her problems but how did it go from that to her making up such a horrendous story and trying to get the police to arrest me? I fell in love with this woman because throughout our entire relationship, she expressed her core values were kindness, forgiveness and compassion and the fact she followed rules and believed in the system. Yet the moment things got tough for me and I asked her for some patience while I dealt with things, she had no problems taking all her things and walking out the door and telling me to go seek help from suicide hotlines. How can someone be so cruel and have sold herself as this kind and compassionate person the whole time? This is a woman who didn’t cross the street unless the pedestrian light was green. This is how much she followed the rules and yet she was fine to betray this core value and make up such a horrendous story of me stealing, hacking and trying to destroy her career? My saving grace was that she knows nothing about computers and I.T. and all that kind of stuff is tracked with IP addresses and date stamps and it was all found to be made up. Otherwise, I could be in jail right now. I ruminate on this daily and soon after discovering these accusations, it lead me down to the lowest point of my life. I didn’t think I could get knocked down any further when she left but the news of the police having an active investigation and being treated like a criminal lead me to a suicide attempt. I was never suicidal but that note she left put it front and centre of my mind and when I found out the lies CL had made up about me, I just could comprehend the world anymore. How can someone I cared for and treated so well can change so dramatically to the point of fabricating stories and trying to send me to jail? My friends found out about my suicide attempt and several dear friends rushed to save me. They helped me see specialist therapists, paid for consultations, and got me medication. I spent the first 6 months having daily panic attacks. It was like I was getting tortured every day sometimes multiple times a day. I was an absolute mess and I lost faith in humanity. A large part of me still has lost faith in humanity.

 

So this leaves me to where I am now. This brutal break up with CL has put me in what my psychologist and psychiatrist diagnosed as clinical depression. I’m still coming to terms with that diagnosis and how to manage the traumatic flashbacks, deal with panic attacks, and breaking the ruminating cycle. I’m told this could be there for the rest of my life and I might never escape it but I can manage it. I’m seeing a therapist twice a week, on medication daily, exercising semi-regularly, having proper nutritious meals delivered so I’m eating right again. I’m meditating daily even though I’m hopeless at it but I know that is ok and not to be so harsh on my wandering thoughts. The mindfulness exercises do help and I’m understanding how exercising the mind is as important as exercising the body. I’m still a mess and my week is still filled with more bad days than good but I’m having more good days regularly now. I’ve been extremely fortunate to find a new job that allows me to contribute with my work while dealing with my depression and trauma. I am still very broken but I take each day as it comes, try to hold on, and try to find good in the world again.

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

Hi @downandout , boy that's a heartbreaking story to read.  I really for you mate as I went through something fairly similar with a lady I was planning on proposing to.  Getting through it was one of the hardest few weeks and months of my life.  You've been through hell with all this, but, you have got through.  It's been a long time since it happened to Me, but, I've never had another relationship since.  I'm not ruling it out, but, its very hard to trust someone after going through something like that. 

 

There's so much that you wrote that shows you are a good, supporting, loving, caring and compassionate person.  What she did to you was horrible and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. 

 

I hope that by writing everything that you have and finding the forums gives you some comfort.  The people here will understand some of the diffculty you are facing and though we all have our issues we do try and support and help each other as best we can.

 

You can @tag people in to your messages so they will get notified of your reply.  Happy for you to tag me any time you want to talk.  I'm not usually around much ont he weekends, only when I'm out bush like I am this week.  Feel free to join in any of the chats if you are comfortable in doing so.  More than happy to tag you into some of the social threads if that might help you at all.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of support in place and are being positive in your recovery.  Try and keep on top of your sleep as well, thats what brought me undone last year.  Sorry if you mentioned that in your post but I don't recall you mentioning it.  I'm glad you found another job and are starting to have more better days. 

 

Take care and thanks again for sharing what you have been through.  It's very brave and corageous of you.

 

Gazza

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

The negative pressures today on people, making it harder to have deep meaningful relationships are sad, and not really necessary, but real.  My opinion only I know. Capitalism and moral bankruptsy in churches and traditional spirituality make it harder on both sides of the sexual/gender embodied experience.

@downandout @Gazza75 

Smiley Sad

I am going through hell this weekend watching my son attempt to do the right thing in his relationship.  I cant say more.  Too much going on for me personally.

Heart

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

@Appleblossom, I'm sorry you are having such a rough weekend.  Hope you and your son can get through it supporting each other.  Heart

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

Thanks @Gazza75 

Oh ... its gone well beyond that due to a bald tatted "neighbour".  Another massive trauma for my son and I, as he is brought to hospital, with over use of police resources. Unecessary as we were on phone to Cat team and waiting for there call ... and we just went outside to blow a little steam off rather than be cooped up inside. This other cop calling dude is worrying other people in street re DV with anger and violent outbursts.  I guess its all about who can call the cops first. WHen I apoligised and spoke to this newish neighbour, he cat me off short, looked at his holster which looked like it held a large kn-ife and siad this is real in threatening tone.  SO much for neighbourliness and looking out for older or vulnerable members of the community.  I could probably mention it to the police. Might be worth reporting then it might make things worse.

 

I will be very low key on forums for a long time now.  I hope nobody takes it personally.  Got a lot going on. WIll make short post on Carers side of forum.  Given the code greys and levels of meds they are pumping into my boy, this will spin out to be at least a 6 month trauma event or more.

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

❤️ @Appleblossom ..... that sounds awful and very hard to deal with.  Wishing you well, and here for you if and when you want to come back online.  Take care of you.

 

Welcome to the forums @downandout .  That sounds like an incredible abuse of trust, but it also sounds like the girl had hidden mental health issues that came flooding out under those circumstances.  The fact that she fabricated the computer hacking etc actually serves to highlight the fact that she wasn’t well, because that was huge, and not something she could possibly get away with, as you said.  I am so sorry it left you so shattered, but also feeling proud of the way you are slowly rebuilding your strength and coping skills.  Gently, gently ..... small steps.

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

@Appleblossom That is heartbreaking for you Hon Smiley Sad No need to be here or to even think about the forum while you care for yourself and your situation with your son. Here if you need though and will be thinking about you. Do what you need to ddo to look after yourself and your son 💜💙💚🧡💛

 

@downandout That is indeed a difficult situation you found yourself in but as @Faith-and-Hope said - this woman certainly seems to have her own issues and you have been the one who has suffered from her misguided and hurtful actions. Whilst it is heartbreaking for you it is also probably a blessing in disguise - much better to find out now what she is really like than further down the track. That does not make it any easier but it does allow you to step back, take some time for yourself to deal with all you have going on and get help for your own mental health. She obviously did not care enough to support you through this tough time and in my opinion that is her deficiency, not yours. To add to your stress her actions accusing you of all the uni related stuff is not only unacceptable but criminal in itself. I hope she is reprimanded (at best) for the fals accusation - if for no other reason that she does not do that again to someone else. She obviously has issues herself and needs help.

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

Hello @downandout welcome to the forum. Man you've been through so much. It's so hard for someone who is loyal and giving to get the opposite in return. You have really dealt with some big losses. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. I share some of your experiences and it's taken me a long time to take little steps towards trusting people again. You are doing everything right in terms of lifestyle and health care. There are many people on here who will listen without judging, and do their best to support each other. I hope you find it a good outlet. Take care.

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

@downandout  So much pain in your words, such a very sad story. I’m short on words at present but wanted to welcome you to the forums.

@Appleblossom  So very sorry this is happening to you and your son. Sending the warmest wishes your way. 💕💜

Re: Struggling to believe in humanity again

Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone for the support, kind words, and also for sharing your own circumstances and stories.

 

I wrote that in one session and hit post and was so emotionally broken afterwards that I didn't have the strength to get out of bed for 3 days. All of last week was actually really bad and I'm only now getting the strength to fight again. I’m reading back what I wrote and realised how long it was. Thank you to those that took the time to read it.

 

@Maggie is right and there is a tremendous amount of pain in my words. I wish there wasn't but I don't know how to process it and it breaks my heart every time I think of it. In the past I’ve had two serious relationships that didn’t work out but I left them still with fond memories. My first serious girlfriend taught me how to love. The fact I could love someone to that extent is one of the greatest gifts in life. My second serious girlfriend taught me how to have fun. She helped me see the pleasures in life, new experiences, and laughter. But CL has taught me nothing but pain. The most excruciating, heartbreaking, and soul crushing pain. I’m a tenth of the man I once was and I hate that I let someone destroy me in such a way. The betrayal in trust is unfathomable and I can’t believe to this day this person still has that level of control over me. It makes no sense and yet I can’t get past it. How do you believe in humanity again when you work so hard to do good, provide support and love, and still someone can turn around and throw you away like trash?

 

I keep getting told time heals but it has been 9 months and I'm still having panic attacks grasping for air with each breathe, and left huddled in a corner unable to move. Less frequently but happening none the less. Meanwhile I found out a few months ago CL is in a new relationship and my friends tell me she's posting photos happily on social media when she never bothered to share a single thing of us when we were together. The most common response and @Zoe7 touched on this and said this is a blessing in disguise and it could have been worse. Friends have told me this could have unfolded after having kids and I would have to explain to a child why mummy left and never came back. I can't even begin to think about having to answer that question from a child so I am grateful that is not my situation and I don't have to answer it nor am I going to hypothetically try. As far as I know, there were no repercussions to her lies. Neither the university or the police did anything and I didn’t even get so much as an apology from the university after they dragged me through the mud without any proof. A very simple investigation on the university’s end would have very easily shown no employees lost their ID pass, no accounts were hacked into and definitely no emails sent. Instead they were aggressive with me from the beginning treating me like a criminal without even asking so much as why she made such allegations or even if I did it. I’ve done nothing but encourage and support her career goals and constantly provided her advice on how to navigate the professional world and yet in her sick mind, she would completely fabricate such horrendous lies. The negligence from the counsel manager is undoubted but there is no point trying to pursue any of it. They are looking for a villain and want any excuse to brand me as one. The smartest thing I did was walk away from it all and to not let it take any more of an emotional toll than it already had despite the damage it has done or the possible answers of closure it could have provided.

 

My therapist is using CBT and ACT to try and help me. It's been a very long journey with very little progress but there has been progress. The fact CL has cut off all communication means I will never get closure and that is something I have to accept. Instead I'm told I have to formulate the most likely scenario and try to tell myself that is the reason. I tell myself this wasn't my fault and I did everything possible to love her and look after her. I tell myself she had a mental health problem. I tell myself a long list of things trying to pretend that is the reason but I struggle to believe it even if it is the most likely truth. That is just one of the constant struggles and ruminations I have. I'm told I need to accept there are people in this world that aren't good people. My therapist never says bad. She always says not good or aren't doing good but never uses bad. Just something I observed. Everyday there are people getting scammed and duped through love that they don't see coming and I guess that was me. I'm told to take lessons away from it rather than let it destroy me. I'm told a lot of things really but very little of it has much effect. It's really annoying because I'm doing everything I'm told to do and yet I feel I'm making very little progress. I know I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself and I’m trying to learn self-compassion. Finding love for myself is probably my number one focus right now. I’m not exactly sure how to do this cause I’m already doing everything that I should be doing so I guess time will only tell.

 

@Gazza75 thank you for your kind words and it saddens me to hear you’ve never had another relationship since but I also completely understand why. I’m not sure I will find another relationship again as well. I definitely know I will never trust at that level in the same way ever again. Not even time will heal that. I will always know how it can change with a blink of an eye but I hope like @frog said, I can take little steps to come back to the world again. I think a great relationship is the most valuable thing in life so I carry hope that we can one day find someone that is truly kind and compassionate who we can share our lives with.

 

Thank you once again to everyone for the kind words and support. I wasn't sure what to expect but it has helped. Thank you.

 

 

 

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