Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

I'm awake in the middle of the night and feeling low... the community project that I have been working on for over 3 months is falling apart and might close down completely. Yesterday, another member resigned from the project; that makes 3 resignations is the past 6 weeks or so.... these were each people who started off being very enthusiastic and positive about our project and then abruptly left it! It was like a complete turn-around in their attitudes.

The last woman who left... I felt like she was really criticizing us, saying that we "lacked direction or lacked vision." I feel so annoyed with her for saying that! I was really angry yesterday. What's even worse is that she is going to hang around and do a few things for a while (probably to keep criticizing us while she can.)

I hate to be criticized when I have put in so much work, all as a volunteer and all for the good of the community. I feel betrayed by her. Not that she was ever going to be a close friend or anything- we are too different. She was kind of bossy. 

I feel a bit better now, but just so annoyed that I am awake in the middle of the night because of her words. 

I obviously don't take criticism very well and have a lot of issues surrounding this. 

I have been madly trying to recruit new members to our project without much luck. It's only a small town and we might have exhausted the pool of volunteers! I really think that I have to find a new interest now- something that doesn't rely on other people. People only let you down. 

[Sahara]

I'm still annoyed this morning but feeling better. I just really need to do things that don't require other people's help, so as I am not constantly disappointed by people. 

With the community project, things are still up in the air... I haven't really promissed that I will do anything specific moving forward... so I am considering that I will do the absolute minimum possible, just like everyone else. 

We have another meeting this weekend. As far as I tell tell, hardly anyone will be there. 

I think I really need to fill my days doing things for myself and stuff the bloody community!!

Found an interesting article, though-

tinybuddha.com/blog/zen-of-friends-5-tips-feel-seriously-let-down/

[suzanne]

Sorry to hear that you've had so many disappointments with this project @Sahara.  It can be such a struggle getting something (as yet) unfunded and volunteer based up and running in the community.  Takes a huge amount of consistent energy and commitment.  Sounds like you have that but not all those around you do.  I hope you find some peace and satisfaction with it again.

[Sahara]

Thanks @suzanne,

I'm going ok. I will continue to put some energy into the project in measured amounts. I have to do it because I want to do it and I enjoy it, rather than feeling compelled to do the work because "no-one else will". It's really not my problem if no-one else wants to contribute. I can't force them.

I just felt with that one woman, that her opinions were meant as specific criticism of my leadership, rather than as constructive comments. I really felt betrayed by her, for some reason. It really, seriously annoyed me and made me feel low.  I have so much trouble trusting people to begin with. Her behavior made me feel like I'm not appreciated. 

I would probably tell her so, but she is still going to be hanging around the side-lines of our project and might possibly try and poison people's minds against me, if she feels I am having a go at her.  I feel like I am in the position where I have to be silenced.  I always seem to feel like that. It's one of the probelms I have. 

[TheVorticon]

Sorry to hear about the struggles with the project and people having different levels of commitment. It sounds like the last thing you needed was the extra drama from that particular woman so it makes sense that you'd want to keep the peace. Some people just don't know how to give constructive feedback and are only used to phrasing things as complaints - is it possible that she might be that sort of person?

Its a good idea to evaluate how much you want to be involved - like you said, it's something that you're doing because you want to, so if it's causing frustration then its good to do the "measured amounts"

[Sahara]

Thanks @TheVorticon,

the woman in question doesn't seem like a complainer to me, in fact, until recently, she said she was loving every minute of our community project and was learning heaps. 

That was one of the reasons I was upset by her criticism. I really don't know what happened to change her mind like that. I don't even know why she thinks that we don't have vision for our project or whatever the Hell she was getting at! 

I hope I don't have to work alongside her again, because she is unpredictable and weird and she gives me the heeby-geebies!  

But I really have to forgive and forget as much as I possibly can. Thanks for writing.  

[TheVorticon]

Hmm that certainly sounds weird @Sahara. I guess not much you can do if she didn't explain what the actual problem suddenly was. It sounds like you handled it pretty well even though it was understandably upsetting. I hope the experience starts to improve again and you can start getting enjoyment back from the project. 

[Sahara]

Hi @TheVorticon,

the woman is weird; I'm sue of it now. We had another meeting and she came to it...It's a long story but she wants to remain with the project in a limited capacity. I felt like she only stayed with us in order to criticize- but I guess I feel like that because of my own feelings of rejection. She may have stayed to do good, for all I know. 

I felt like she was watching me and looking down on me- but then I would feel that way, because my self-esteem has been effected by this. 

It was hard to include her in the conversation, because I just wished she would go. Why stay, if we, as a group, lack vision and lack direction? Just go find somewhere else to hang out, with people who are a lot better than us!

It's annoying when people want to leave but then don't leave; I find it's like I'm getting 'mixed messages' and I hate mixed messages more than anything on this Earth!! 

[Norma]

I haven't had what you have been through but i do know what it feels like to be let down after you put all yourself into helping people mostly who i thought were my friends i try putting myself first but it doesn't feel right. I'm so upset. I will get over this it will just take time

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sahara

I just read your thread now. Sorry to hear that your project that you put so much heart in, isn't going as well as you had hoped. Where are you with it now?

It may be a bit late but with the woman whom complained that the project and organisers lacked vision - I would have asked her to explain "why". Easy to criticise, but if there is any credibility in that criticism the persons needs to validate why. If she can't then that is her short comings.

For a project to thrive and survive there needs to be "constructive criticism" as there is always room for improvement and growth. If she can't offer this I would just dismiss it and get on with what you do well and don't let this bring you down.

At our charity organisation we receive a lot of appreciation but can at times receive criticism. We discuss this openly and in depth with the criticiser. If there is something in what they say we address it, if not just push it aside and get on with it. 

If you are still doing the project don't look at the people who abandoned it - but focus on those who are sticking by it with you. Not everybody let's us down but we can sometimes give those who do too much importance. Keep doing great art 👍