Battles

[Jynx]

@Dreamy definitely makes sense to be feeling a little brittle hun! How you travelling now? 

[Dreamy]

@Jynx feeling out of sorts. It's really hit me hard. I have an appointment to meet with a counsellor on the 29th through this service but I really don't know if I can go through with it. They know about my history and that I've been hurt by professionals and how I've been let down by crisis services recently and they want to be able to support me. 

It's so hard for me to try to trust again, the fear of being hurt or not being understood is unbearable to sit with. I want to so badly be able to get help but why is it so hard to take that step? I feel ashamed that I can't just talk to a counsellor without that fear, I feel guilty at the thought of putting my problems on someone else even if it is their job and that's what they are there for. 

It's alot to sit with right now and I don't like how it's making me feel. 

[AuntGlow]

@Dreamy Hello lovely! I thought I would pop in and be with you for a bit, because I know things are quite overwhelming right now. This must be the phone call you were referring to earlier... it sounds like it has resurfaced a lot of emotion for you, which is so understandable. It can be incredibly triggering to share our story and trust that the person listening will hold it safely, especially if we have been burned in the past. I know this might be hard to hear right now, but I promise that not every experience will be like this. Though, it's completely valid that you might be feeling this way - you are allowed to be afraid, things have been scary for you.

I would like to reassure you that our counsellors, peer support workers, the rest of the community - we all show up because we want to be here for you, remember that. Can you take this thread as some evidence that this may be the case? 

Perhaps you can give Casper a cuddle while you're sitting with these feelings?

And, breathe. 💛

[Dreamy]

Hello @AuntGlow, you don't know how much i appreciate this right now. I'm completely overwhelmed, I've had abuse screamed at me over the past hour and a half and now I'm stuck sitting in a room full of people and it's loud and I'm on the edge of having a full on meltdown. 

It's just so hard to even open up to anyone given what's happened when i have before. I'm not sure i want to even try to talk to someone about it but they really want to support me and I'm trying hard to push myself to at least give it a shot. But then I have another appointment with another service on the 2nd June and have to go through the same things again. This is the appointment that I bailed on the 14th cos things didn't go to plan. It's too much to even think about right now, i just want to be able to switch off and not focus on it but I can't. It's all playing out in my head and I can hear the words from them saying things that are going to hurt me. 

I spoke to them about the forums and how amazing the support has been here and that it's really kept me going when I've been let down by everyone else. 

I've got Casper with me and I'm giving him cuddles. The breathing part just really isn't happening right now though. 

[AuntGlow]

@Dreamy Oh dear, this is a lot for anyone to withstand... I am so sorry you are going through this again tonight. You must be so exhausted. 

Are you able to excuse yourself from this room at all? I just want to know that you have a safe space you can retreat to?

It really does sound like a lot at the moment. Is it possible to focus on one service for now and ask the other one to contact you at a later date? It might make things a little easier to manage and allow you to put your trust in one new person, rather than multiple at a time. I can imagine this idea would be very overwhelming, so just considering what might make it slightly easier. 

I really am so glad to hear this has been a consistent safe space for you - you deserve it. 

And that's okay if you can't fully access your breath, cuddles are probably the best thing for your nervous system right now. 

Checking in with yourself, what do you need next to feel safer tonight? 🥰

[Dreamy]

@AuntGlow exhausted yes, but still unable to even just rest. When I tried to nap today i had over 4 hours to do so and in that time I got 20 minutes 10 minutes first before being woken up by an unexpected visit and then another 10 before a scam phone call. 

I can't excuse myself from the room at least not until 8.30, so not too much longer but long enough. I'm surprised I've held myself together although my head is pounding and I feel sick which brings on its own anxiety having emetophobia. 

I did have that option of waiting for one service first before making an appointment with the other. But it kind of happened so fast that I just panicked and made them both within a few hours of each other really. 

I just want to be back home and I want to be in my bed snuggling with Casper. I usually sit on my bed and do my colouring but I'm not sure i even have that in me tonight. I just want to be able to completely switch off, not feel or think anything. But there's only one way of making that happen. 

[AuntGlow]

@Dreamy I am so glad you have this space to share things as they come up, I really hope it helps you to feel supported. I know things feel heavier and more stressful tonight, but I would like to suggest a little bit of colouring and a cuddle with Casper. Even if it's just for a bit to see if it allows you some time to settle. And know that we will all be here for you again tomorrow - you're never in this alone. 🥰 Does that sound like a plan? 💛

[Dreamy]

@AuntGlow I'm finally home and very much feeling defeated at the moment. I'm going to try to do some colouring only cos I can't switch off at the moment so I'm hoping it will at least distract me long enough that I start feeling sleepy. Not sure what my night is going to hold at the moment given how intense things are feeling. Casper is doing a good job of snuggling up with me to keep warm. 

Thanks for your company tonight, it's really meant alot to know that I've had people there for me when things are hard. I'll just have to do my best tonight and see how things go. 

[Dreamy]

Hello @Till23, how are you going? 

[Till23]

Not too bad @Dreamy but really tired. Have been doing a late night or two and then all of today doing a bit of a project for my sport club.

Sounds like things have not been good for you though.