Battles

[Dreamy]

@tyme will let you know if I do.

Yes that's very true. Minute by minute it is for me right now. My cup is completely empty at the moment. 

[tyme]

What fills your cup @Dreamy ?

[Dreamy]

@tyme right now I'm not even sure. 

Hey just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to chat, it's meant alot. 

[MJG017]

Hi @tyme, @Dreamy 

Yeah, i haven't been around much lately.  I'm just trying to get through each day at the moment.  I've seen Dreamy's posts to others as well and I read them and it's part of the reason I keep going myself with as hard as it has been recently.

I actually thought about it when a psychologist I sad a couple of days ago pointed out my history of always putting other people first, and that as much as I've improved the past year (it was our first meeting, but my partner was there and said how much i've changed) i am still doing it with all of the support work i've done.  As much as I've been warned about overdoing it and 'filling my cup', i keep doing it... with the support and people around me.  Examples we talked about were that I don't always tell me partner how i'm feeling to protect her from it, and I tend to not make decisions, but reflect the question back and ask what they would prefer.  

I was thinking about this on the drive home, and wondered if I do it now because thinking about myself is just too difficult.  There's too much there I don't want to think about.  We talked about how I feel like my oncologist has 'written me off' and it all just made me think that maybe i've just focused so much on other people this past year because if I think about myself, the depression spiral feels right there looming over me, ready to grab me and drag me down.  I'm keen to talk to her about this but our next appointment isn't until the 20th.  But I thought you both would have some insights into this that I was curious to hear.

[Dreamy]

Hello my dearest friend @MJG017, love seeing a post come up from you ❤️. 

Living each day just trying to get through to the next is tough, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that we are always here for you through the good and the bad ❤️

For myself personally I find it so much easier to help others that are struggling than I do having to deal with my own struggles. In a way I guess it fills my cup knowing that I can make a difference in someone's life when they are having a hard time. It doesn't mean my problems go away but it stops me thinking about them so much that they completely consume me. When things are quiet and I shut down and don't come on here as much i notice I really do spiral very quickly cos I don't have anything to focus on. I don't have people to talk to and I don't make that connection with others so I really do become so wrapped up in my head and the thoughts that are swirling around in there that it consumes every part of me and I end up in a really dark place. 

Of course we are all different and it takes different things to fill our cups. I talk about how much you have helped me when I reach out to crisis services and how much its meant to me. The fact that you are one of the very first people I had contact with on here and you have spent so much time giving me support and checking in with me when you have been struggling yourself. I know you try to hide alot from your partner but remember that she is there for you and truly cares about how you are going, and struggles shared are easier than one person trying to manage alone. You are allowed to not be feeling ok especially with everything you are going through, it's ok to let yourself feel whatever is going through you, and yes I know that's hard cos of how much we have had to please others and been made to feel like our feelings aren't valid.

That appointment on the 20th is so far away but in the meantime know that you've always got us 😊. 

Sending you those awkward hugs without actually physically touching you cos honestly who wants physical contact sometimes 😂. 

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 you seemed to have turned me into a novel writer 😂. I never realise how much i write until I hit post and then see the massive long text 😂. 

[Dreamy]

Well that was fun, but now what 😂.

 

@MJG017 @tyme @Ru-bee @Jynx @rav3n @RiverSeal 

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

What can i say.... i'm a bad influence! 😂

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 you make my brain work 😂. 

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

I completely understand what you mean.  Thinking about myself, just causes that spiral very quickly these days so I try to avoid it as much as I can.  I think it was just a couple of things the psychologist said to me got me wondering if part of it is that I have given up on myself and just look to help others now.  The more I think about it the more I think there's a lot of truth in that.  We talked about how throughout my life there's been a history of people letting me down, ignoring me, and abandoning me.  Even though we agreed that the current medical 'plan' seems 'insufficient', when she straight out asked me if I feel like i've been abandoned by the oncologist, I said, yes, that I did.  Then a bit later i thought maybe i've done that to myself as well... as a way of distancing myself from everything going on with me.  To protect myself and just keep myself going.  It's basically what I've always done... found ways to just keep going that usually don't involve being the kindest to myself.  Maybe I just need to take my (very) amateur psychologist hat off! 😂