hello @greenpea@eudemonism@outlander@TAB@Former-Member@Shaz51@Maggie@CheerBear@eth@Owlunar@Appleblossom
@Former-Member@Determined@Sahara@Mazarita@MDT@saturnzoon@Zaphod@Hope4me
thank you each and everyone for posting and or supporting.
I have not been able to post on here for some time now for so many reasons.
I have needed to step back from just about everything in my life and put more focussed self-care into place.
The situation with my "family member" has continued to escalate to a point where he can become so abusive that I have had to warn him that if the verbal abuse does not stop I will end the call . This I have had to do end each call of late...I have repeatedly stated that I will not tolerate listening to abuse about other family members or myself. Sadly the situation has also affected my younger son yet again.
I have given him ample christmas..birthday..and future rental money only to be told that he only rings me when he needs money from me...not because he wants to speak to me or hear from me...not that I get to utter many words as his rants flow non stop.,.
I have come to realise that these calls are an enactment of the family violence that we encountered whilst I was married to their father. I was not aware that it was classified as domestic violence even up to the day that I found the strength to tell their father that I was leaving and organised counselling to assist with our children understanding..moving forward..
I grew up in an almost silent household ...I was also in a state of disassociation not recognising the gravity of the situation until many sessions of psychotherapy opened my eyes...
My "family member" is enacting the scenario that he experienced. I have tried to tell him so many times when he has used this as an excuse for his behaviour. I have emphasised that he can rise above that behaviour...learn from the horror and be true to himself..that he does not like to be treated that way therefore learn and do not treat others as such..
When he is well he does this and has a gentle soul...When he is not well...I do not recognise him visually or vocally.,..
I will always be waiting for when he comes back without the abuse...
I am working through this...
So this has taken a great toll on me.
I have also been rehabilitating from the two operations last year.
Self care is vital...This I found out the hard way...I am an extremely loyal...compassionate...loving person to those in my life whom I love....this comes at a cost when these traits are taken for granted..
I still love my "family member" unconditionally and always will...I have told him this almost every time we speak...I will not put myself through any further abusive moments that only trigger so many years of such cruel..manipulative..potentially soul destroying treatment...I have also advised my other son to stay away also as he too carries the invisible scars...
Chronic trauma my psychotherapist refers to it as...sadly I found myself in an even worse..more dangerous relationship years later where my psychologist at the time advised me to leave immediately only going back to home accompanied as my life was in danger...She had met him and spoken with him...
Mother was wonderful at christmas and then hung up on me when I rang the nursing home a week ago..I rang back to be told she said she would ring back...of course has not...
I am laying that stuff to bed...I will accept her as she is at her age ....accept her inability to give me unconditonal motherly love...I will accept what she chooses to give so that I have her in my life for the little time that she has left...this is my choice ...I will accept her for how she is rather than not have her in my life at all....I will have shown her that I give her unconditional daughter love...not out of spite...out of love..
This brings me to now.
I had another check up today with the surgeon/specialist from last operation and he confirmed operation was a success. 80% chance of no further surgery required.
Well ...I could not stop clapping my hands like a thrilled little girl and announced to husband...this requires a drink to celebrate.,..so 2 glasses of wine later and lunch we arrived home..
Now I just have to get through March and another MRI to check for no further evidence of tumours ...am working on this being positive and everyone thereafter up to the five year period...
House plans are with environmental person and then council then full on from there..
It has cost us a lot of money waiting for house to actually sell after several false hopes...along with rental payments at this property and storage costs..
No matter we are on our way and that is what it is about...
When people have been asking me how I am on the rare occasion that they get to see me...my answer has been I have moved forward from where I was at the beginning of last year...
I am sorry that at this point I cannot respond to each of you individually....
I am just pouring out my emotions ...
I began this post for this very reason...hence the title..."living with ourselves"
I believe that we need to learn to accept all of who we are...be it...negative...positive...depressed...sad...traumatised...guilty...resentful...
All of these emotions...attitudes form a part of who we are..
Once we learn to accept that we are not here to concern ourselves with expectations of others....
we are here to search within...connect with nature in all of it's storms and tribulations...
all on the pathway...journey of "learning to live with ourselves"...we have a wonderful opportunity waiting for us to find some value in our own lives ...
many thanks again all if you have got this far...
hugs to all ....thinking of you...supporting you also..
🐾💜🙀❤💛💚💗💕
