@Former-Member
Thanks so much for your post and for the clarification that @Ali11 probably intended the post to validate and support.
It helps. But it also brings me to another thing.
I guess it's that sometimes, intentions (which are conscious) might be embedded with predjudices or misunderstandings (that are unconscious). It can be really hard, in my experience, when I've learnt I hurt someone, though I never intended to.
Since I've had a bunch of psychdynamic therapy, I hope it's not too annoying if I voice my mental map of what's going on in these terms - though of course I know it's only a theory and could be totally off point.
When we live in a society where bringing up wrongdoing, big or small, and trying to figure bout what is wrongdoing and what is not has been sublimated (in this context, I use the word to mean down to the subconscious because it's become socially unacceptable to talk about wrongdoing or reflect on one's own wrong doing
(eg. because of shame, not supposed to do anything even by accident) or reflect on the wrongdoing if others (eg. Because of loyalty, if having on wrong brings shame and distrust to another, we can't raise issues if their wrongdoing without harming them). So it becomew socially unacceptable to talk about wrongdoing or to talk about feeling hurt by another's behaviour. Then the deep and natural impulse to tell someone that their actions hurt us, comes out in behaviour considered more socially acceptable, eg a comment intended to be supportive and validating.
I guess this is my theory for trying to make sense of behavior that is in the form of a supportive comment, but carries the sting of coded criticism.
I hope the criticism in @Ali11 's comment is clear to you too? Because it wasn't that subtle. I guess what I was trying to say, was that if @Ali11 felt hurt by my raising complaints or the way I did it, I'd like to get that out in the open and in context, so we could all talk any any wrongdoing that any of us had done, or not done, deliberately or accidentally. Figure out why was in the wrong and who wasn't, not to punish or shame anyone involved, but to learn, understand and grow in the way we all affected and we're affected by each other. To move forward another baby step towards a society and a culture where we could be mutually respectful to each other, including when we inadvy harmed one another and needed to correct the situation. But in a way that was open and clear and kind.
Unfortunately my experience is that our culture has not been good at this. And that's led to a myriad of problems our generation now has to solve. That's kinda exciting to me,bas well as challenging. I hope you guys can see it in a way that could be positive and non-blamey, non-shamey too?
I have found some wise people from other cultures help me with this stuff, as well as some western psychotherapy (much of which often borrowed from other cultures to look at how to address shame & Blame)
A good one I found was the
NICABM course on helping clients with shame & Blame (I purchased this course and can quote or reference it in some emails if you like, insofar as Im legally able, as it's proprietary material)
Or a Bon Buddhist teacher I find particularly helpful, who offers some free sessions in addition to his formal teaching work as a Buddhist master.
Here's one of his sessions he offered through social media that I found helpful, healing & thought provoking in trying to find wisdom around these sorts of issues
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=2ahUKEwjKwOf-2vniAhVZOisKHQ-RA4kQwqsBMAB6BAgDEAU&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov
I guess in a nutshell I'm trying to figure out how do we negotiate complex situations of understanding one another, where harm exists in a space beyond intentions? And bringing up wrongdoing is about resolution and growth not a Blame game of accusation and shame? And how hard this can be in a society where shame has been so imbued, that we can't hear we did something wrong without feeling shame. How do we heal from this trauma that we all have?
