Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[outlander]

thank you for sharing what you have @Smc
theres a chance he wont remember. it kinda depends on the day, some days are worse then others. its hard to leave the house with him sometimes cause he leaves the taps running, hes left stove tops on before and those sorts of things.
he can be pretty nasty sometimes, he went to a birthday part the other day with some family and one them told me how much he was bad mouthing me about quite a few things so sometimes it makes me wonder what he rememers and what he forgets.
i know that ill be in the fireing line always now because i live here and he doesnt have anyone else to take it out on.
its tricky to try and navigate when they are in bad moods hey

[Smc]

Very tricky. 😞 Lots of love @outlander.

[outlander]

thanks @Smc lots of love back

[Sophia1]

Hello @outlander 

Sorry about late response.

As you know I have not been about the forums.

I have to deal with this language fairly often.

At times the person is incoherent and cannot hear anything that I say.

I have worked out a system where I give a response..."I will not allow you to speak to me in that tone, using that language."

This of course usually changes nothing.

I then state. 

I have already warned you. Now I am letting you know that if you continue to speak to me in that manner...I will hang up...

as we both agreed I would let you know that I will hang up... (following on from previous occasions where person let me know that they were upset that I did not actually announce that I would hang up.)

I then have to hang up...

This takes practice as the guilt follows...

Then self talk that I am following through with what I said that I would do. ...I  am honouring my own values....I am continuing to set personal boundaries for my own health safety...This is vital ....This is also vital for family member even though family member does not think that at the time..

I have now had calls where family member has reversed the process...I have not given in to requests...I have been given a warning...then told that call will be ended....then hung up on me..

This amused me ...not being cruel here...quite proud that message has got across and is practising the same for self...

hope that all makes sense and does not read as gobbledy goo..(censored)

The worry does not go away...it can dissipate at times...

Also what works once or twice does not necessarily work again...

Continue to look after you as the main principle...telling yourself that is the best way that you can look after them too

as you love them so much...

💜💚💗

[Former-Member]

@outlander

[outlander]

love it thank you @Former-Member
how have you been?

[Former-Member]

Plodding along slowly here @outlander, in transition mode not wanting to start anything major as hoping to move. Have packed a bit of stuff as we thought we had a sale but buyer could not get finance, don't really want to unpack it, but am missing not having a couple of kitchen items around.

[Smc]

@outlander, something else that occured to me. I've found that my Dad has become very suggestible since his dementia has developed. If he's around people who are complaining and fault finding, he picks up their mood and tone. If he's around people who are positive and encouraging and friendly, he picks that up instead. (So we're extra glad that the aged care home he's in has a friendly and encouraging atmosphere!)

So I'm wondering if it would help if you try to "feed back" something positive whenever your Pop gets nasty. Not easy but if it succeeded in improving his general outlook, it would be worth it. If he says something critical or hurtful, maybe answering in a way that lets him know that you love him, and are looking out for him.

Distraction sometimes works too. Finding something positive, like a favourite hobby, favourite music, or a funny TV show/movie. Keep away from current affairs shows- they so often try to drum up stories to get an emotional response, and they usually aim square at negative emotions like fear and outrage.

[outlander]

hoping your housing situation gets sorted soon. a buyer for your current house soon would be ideal @Former-Member
could you unpack just those few kitchen items for now?

[outlander]

thats the same as pop @Smc with negativity. one friend in particular who is no longer a friend was so negative that pop would buy into his stories and treat others accordingly. hes abit better now without him and so far he is ok with his other friends and having a good time away (see other thread i tagged to)

i have tried a little of what you said like the other day when he called me selfish for not letting him go out in thr weather i said i didnt want him to get hurt but he didnt respond well to that either with the more combacks of i can do what i want. perhaps persistance will help with this...


yep distraction is good ive recently got him some cross words and he likes those.