Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sandcastle]

Not sure if this is the right space? 

I am desperate to have my 16 year old speak to someone about her mental health but she will have NO part of it. What do people do? She stopped talking not me and ran away for 8 months rather than face things and now she is back home I am too scared to rock the boat anymore - I just try different conversations about the benefits of talking over stress etc, she shuts me down each time. I feel if I don't get help for her she will never get on top of her eating disorder and other behaviours and that I must do what I can. People say to stage an intervention but trying to take her anywhere she doesn't want to go results in violence towards me. 

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Sandcastle 🙂

You sounds like you're in an impossible situation. I don't have any answers myself, but can you post your post above on SANE's Friends, Family and Carers Forum? That way you might get some advice from people who have been /are in your situation, hopefully... There is also a link at the top of the page here, under "Forums Community" and under "Forums Home" a bit further down the page too.

Also, you can call the SANE Helpline to get advice: 1800-197-263, and I think the hours are 10am - 7pm. 

You can also call the Butterfly Foundation's hotline (for help with eating disorders) on 1800 ED HOPE or go to their website for how to find help for loved ones. Butterfly Foundation 

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...

[hluppy]

@Sandcastle This is a tough one as you can't really force someone to get help if they don't want it (unless they are held under the Mental Health and Wellbeing Act). At the same time, of course you only want the best for her and for her to be healthy and happy. I'm wondering if there may be a book or another resource you could leave with her for the moment, so you are still showing her that you care and allowing her to make the choice to see what recovery could look like. When I struggled with my eating disorder, the hardest part was that my eating disorder voice was telling me that I don't need help, that I didn't deserve it, and that everyone is trying to make me fat and that I wasn't good enough. It's really hard to break through that and access the part of her who does want to be free and live her best life. Hopefully someone on the forums will be able to give further advice from a carers perspective. I do agree the Butterfly Foundation might be the best point of call for yourself at the moment. Best wishes 🙂

[Sandcastle]

Thank you so much hluppy, I find it so devastating to not be able to help and to know she (or anyone) is in such a dark place, I see a lot more cracks of light, she made an appointment which she didn't keep with Headspace, I see so many different issues within her I am not sure of the right book - there is obsessive compulsive traits, social anxiety, ADHD and eating issues....sleep is a big problem for her...she is self diagnosing herself on the internet as autistic? All these categories seem so useless often and never fit the person exactly, at least she is talking a bit to me, but anything I say is wrong...I feel she is getting closer to finding someone to talk to - she did mention how much her personal trainer, who I paid for for nearly a year had been a real therapist for her, it at least made me feel I was doing something - dangerous though, but I think he really did do a lot for her and her self esteem. I just feel sick as some of the things she is starting to tell me sink in as happening to her and I was unable to help - I hate the way some teenage girls treat others and boys feed off and on those with low self esteem and the internet and social media just intensifies the pain - that such a loved, beautiful, talented and kind girl who has so much family and support could have felt so low as to have the things happen to her and do the things to herself...just breaks my heart

Are there any books you would reccomend? 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Sandcastle that sounds so heartbreaking. Our kids put us through so much don't they! I wonder if Reachout parent forum would have any advice? 

Sleep can be such a big issue and makes everything harder, I'm wondering if you focus on getting that sorted, if she would be able to think more clearly and be more open to support? 

Sending strength 💝

[Sandcastle]

Yes. Thank you. I agree. Sleep is fundamental. Have tried Melatonin which hasn't worked, I have cracks of time she will speak to me and time she shuts down. The issue is she eats at night - secretly. like a mouse, it is so sad. We have small breakthroughs, the biggest in a year where she came to a family meal and sat down, it was for just 5-10 minutes, but she ate a tiny bit of something in front of people...I will reach out to the other forum - thank you

[Paperdaisy]

Ah ok @Sandcastle I wonder if making mealtimes more relaxed could help? Sometimes for people with social anxiety, sitting at a dinner table can be intimidating. I have personal experience with this and picnics, outdoor eating helps at times. Music can also be helpful as it fills the silence and helps create a more relaxed environment. Butterfly as others have suggested should have some ideas.. Wishing you all the best on this journey.

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @Sandcastle ,

Oft, it sounds like you're having a rough experience. It's so great to see you've come on here to chat. Hopefully you can find some help here.

I can't talk from a parenting stand point but I can from being a previous teen who also went through a lot of mental health crisis. I say all this as well with the knowledge that each person is different and what works for me might not work for her however it may help to still share my experience. Here are just a couple of thoughts I had:

- Getting help when I am in crisis is so hard. I may book myself in to see a professional but then cancel because I don't feel that I deserve the help or I am beyond help. The thing that really helps me here is that I've found someone who I really click with and enjoy seeing each week, so even if I feel beyond help I still like going to chat with my psychologist. Finding someone to speak with that you really connect with may take time and seeing a couple of different people.

- Talking to parents is hard. I love my parents, I know they care deeply for me but I also don't want them to be worried for me. I know I can talk to them if I needed to but it doesn't make it easier. While she may not be talking with you at the moment, there could be so many reasons for that, that have nothing to do with you. Keeping being open, welcoming, non-judgmental and loving will do more than you will ever know.

- As someone said before, eating at the table is incredibly daunting. I feel like everyone is watching me the whole time even if thats not true. I always found eating in front of the TV much easier as everyone was focused on something else and I could be a bit more relaxed. 

- It sounds like the relationship at the moment is quite stressful. I'm not sure if there are times where it is better and worse but something I had done with a partner a while a go was I would talk with him when I was in a good headspace, discuss strategies that help when I'm in crisis as I talk articulate myself when I'm in that crisis. Talking with him before gave us both a chance to understand each other and create a plan that would work with me. Things such as, when I was in crisis I would sometimes go non-verbal so I would use cards to express my emotions or he would only ask yes or no questions as nodding and shaking my head is much easier than explaining myself. He wouldn't use these crisis times to find the problem, but find ways to help me take care of myself, such as helping me take a bath or get dressed. I don't know if any of these strategies would help but might be worth a try.

Again, I say this is all my personal experience, and hers may be incredibly different but hopefully something in all that helps out even slightly. But it's hard, being a teenager is hard, mental health is hard and being a parent is hard. Just know, that by caring and reaching out for help you are doing the most amazing job already! Even when it doesn't feel like it, trying is the most important thing and you should be so proud. 

Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. I know it can be hard when you care so deeply and are so concerned but you have to put your oxygen mask on first. You have to take care of you so that you can help take care of her.

I really hope this helps even a little bit.